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I Fear Death is Near

Everytime i yawn, cough and cry... i feel something is strangling my throat.

I can picture that when im at the peak of contractions, my throat will just close in on me and cut off the oxygen.

I'm deeply sorry my baby if i dont live to see you. I will pray people won't mistreat you and i dont doubt my family will take good care of you.

It was irresponsible of me to have conceived you when we were not stable yet, causing a slew of problems that have resulted in my current health and emotional condition. But believe me, I already love you a lot. Too much maybe that its clouding my decisions.

Just wanna let you know that i enjoyed watching u move in my tummy. Esp that day when u showed me your feet, remember? They really looked like a ball circling the edges of my tummy! And when i contract my tummy to get up from a lying position, i can see the shape of your body (altho technically its the waterbag)!

If Allah thinks its my time to leave, so be it. I resolve to be spiritually prepared for it though i'm already feeling suicidal anyways. Not enough to cut my own hand like somebody had alleged that i did, but enough to lose hope that things will look up. Nonetheless promise me, my child, that you will be His good servant.

I hope to meet you in Heaven. I love you.

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2 glasses of Juice:

Nurulain said...

Hey,

Pregnancy can be a really emotional roller- coaster ( blame the hormones!) but don't feel so depressed. This is the time when you have to be brave, for yourself and your baby. Don't think too much into anything and pray to Allah, insyallh he will keep u and ur baby safe. :) take care dear :)

tanzilla said...

i can't claim from experience, as i have none abt wot you are going through. It must be very tough and it has to be the harmones bcz u seem like a person on sunny desposition. Believe u me, in the kind of times we live in, with all the problems around us, it is brave of couples to have children, so i think u r brave.....hang in there, you would get pass this....