The Original Juice

At last, I'm officially Divorced.

We separated ways on 12th May 2009 when Tufeil was 6 weeks old. There were attempts to reconcile but it fell through. I recall a few people dropping comments on my blog asking how come I didn't write about Z anymore. I didnt really answer directly to the point because at that juncture, it was also not clear to me whether the marriage would last or otherwise.

It took about 6 months to go through the registration process and counselling and to reach the Filing of Summons stage. And then I ignored that and the case was automatically closed. I reopened it abt a year ago. Had to go through all those again. and after filing of summons was the mediation. Alhamdulillah, we were able to get to an agreement on maintenance for the child and mine as well as custody in one session.

Filing of Summons was about $35 for both parties. Mediation $135 for plaintiff, in this case, me and $35 for defendant.

I won't dwell on my reasons for this divorce. Suffice to say that he uttered the Talak (divorce) and there were a huge communication breakdown and trust issues and that his only reason was because of my family.

It is ok if you think I deserve it. It is ok if you think it's my own doing for being so naive and got married after 6 months of knowing a guy online. I'd like to think that I've come out of this more matured. I've become a responsible mother/person (albeit still a lazy and uninspired one but hey, I've started cooking and cleaning, that's HUGE!).

The most annoying part about being separated/divorced is people assuming you're happily married. I have had complete strangers asking me "When are you having a second one?" and a cab driver "Wah you go out alone with your baby ah? Your husband never follow you ah? Wah so good are you. you let him sleep at home." Most of the time I don't care to explain that I'm separated/divorced because it will inevitably lead to insensitive questions like, "Oh what happened?" And then... "Oh im sorry..." God! It's like a broken record.
I don't miss him at all. In fact, believe you me I'm very much happier from the moment he left. All the worries and heartaches just poofed into thin air the moment I decided I no longer care. However, I do miss being loved and taken care of. God knows it has been more than just those 2 years of separation. I am not entirely certain the right guy is out there for me. But, a girl can dream.

Most importantly is I have sole responsibilities of bringing up Tufeil to be a good muslim. It won't be easy but Alhamdulillah for the good support system I have. I may complain a lot but without my family and friends, I'd've prolly turned crazy by now.

Nowadays, I live one day at a time. One paycheck to the next.

Wed 6th May 09


I popped out at 3pm to catch 17 Again at causeway Point. Alone.

1. It's been 2 weeks already and i've lost 10kg. 2 more kg to get back to pre pregnancy weight.

2. My tummy has never been flatter however, its riddled with stretch marks. ERGH!

3. Ive been looking at Tufeil so much I no longer see Zubair's features but begin to see the babe as who he is.

4. We have yet to cukur rambut (shave head). One side is saying the sunnah is to do on multiple 7 days, the other only on Wed and Fridays... Compromise: Do on Fri quite close to 7th or 14th or 21st day esp cos technically i gave birth thurs night. =)

5. Syifaa' has been screaming in pain, wailing in agony and throwing tantrum cos she's having fever. Tho Tufeil either didnt wake up or was busy enjoying his milk, i fear that he might think its ok to be crying just as loud.

6. Nothing is fair once you've become a mother. See... the father gets to go out with his friends while the mother has to stay home and feed the babe. HUMPH. i dont care i already reserved Zubair in advance to take care of Tufeil while i go for my company's Dinner & Dance next 2 Fridays. COUNTING DOWN!!

7. Its a public holiday today but it doesnt affect me in any way.

8. Oh yeah Last check up @ polyclinic saw Tufeil's jaundice a great decrease from 182 to 117. ALhamdulillah. NExt appt in 2 weeks time along with Hep B 2nd dose. ERK.

Have i told you the first thing i said when Tufeil came to this world and brought to my chest was, "Are you really mine?"

The feeling is soo surreal, even as i rocked him to sleep ( i know, bad habit, but im desperate) a while ago, I still cannot believe that i actually am responsible for this little being!


But i hafta tell you that the recovering phase was... Hell-ish. and it was a normal vaginal birth, what more for c-sect. You can say my threshold for pain is very low - hence, the epidural - and also hence, the sitting balloon. Thankfully 'Azma came to the rescue lending me hers when she visited me while still in hosp. I brought it with me everywhere. From bedroom to living room. From the car to the hospital to Kopitiam downstairs. I didnt care what people gonna say, i'm in PAIN!


Worse was, the night i was discharged, I caught the cough/flu from Zubair who was recovering. Dont even DARE to imagine my fear of coughing and sneezing! I tried to clear my throat or rub my nose to steer away from coughing and sneezing. *shudder* WHen i cldnt stand it any longer, i cough softly... or sneezed halfway .. just the Ahhhhhh ch without the CHoooooooo you know? LOL


I continued eating the medicines the hospital prescribed which were 1 Obimin, 3 vit C, 2 panadols (skipped) and 2 ponstan as well as the oral emulsion to soften the stool. One day, i read the label of Ponstan, "To ease pain and stop menses" My eyes opened wide, "WHAT?! STOP MENSES?!?!?!?!" NO WONDER the blood flow trickled to a stop. I discontinued that pain relieving pill straight away and got a bad case of the cramp that night. Thankfully, it was only the one night.


To help heal the stitches faster, i also used minyak gamat (dont know whats the ENglish term is but its basically some kind of medicated oil to dry wounds). Again, the blood flow dwindled. But the masseuse told me that its normal that this Nifas that last between 40 - 60days will continue to just trickle... not heavy flow like regular menses.


Zubair was very caring about what i eat. SO much so he brought me two whole packs of 6 small packets of DUtch Lady Choc Milk. Awww so sweet... To help bring on more milk, the masseuse massaged the right area, i also take 1 calcium pill and 2 nigella sativa (habbatus sauda) softgel on top of the 2 packets of milk a day.


NOw about the Massage.

On the first session, i was very obedient. I drank the bitter Ubat Periuk, i withstood the Bengkung (torso wrap) for 24hours, i wore socks, i didnt untie my hair, i didnt shower a 2nd time, i even applied Param on my body that night. But I simply couldn't stand the dust when it dried up!!!! I didnt mind the smell so much but the residue i tell you ... if i could slap it, i would! So i told the massuese i wanna change to the cream instead.

The massage was painful at certain areas. but at least it doesnt ache the next day. I initially asked for 10 days @ $640. But after the 7th Day.. i cldnt take it anymore. PLUS, Z was complaining about the smell also. Poor him, he had put up with smelly me as long as he could. So the next day, i told the masseuse it was the last day and fee was prorated. I suppose, im not an authentic Malay afterall. Fara who's a Pakistani liked all these traditional treatments and still do them every weekend or so... but me... sorry i cannot take it.

I dont plan to use the Param at all as advised during confinement of 40days. I only intend to wear my girdle and corset. oh yeah speaking of which, on that last day, she asked me to use my own corset but i was very reluctant to do so.... Its a VERY SUPER EXpensive 4-piece set that costed me $800 3yrs ago. and now what happened... the DAMNED PARAM STAINED MY CORSET YELLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! %$&$&*^*&%^&$#%#@$@# Not to mention the SOUR SMELL. ARGHHHHHHHHHH PULL HAIRRRRRRRRRRRRR



I think the baby and i have problems latching on correctly. I've been applying cream to soothe the soreness. I've been trying several positions with pillow, on chair, on bed... sometimes left is easier, sometimes right is easier. Its really a trying moment for baby and me especially like this morning after he slept like 4hours and was raving HUNGRy!


I can't bring myself to sleep when its just me and baby in the room, ie, Zubair's out. Cause i always fear the worst could happen, like him choking, like him suffocating, like him choking and suffocating... wait. i mentioned that already, havent i?


Zubair bought Food Warmer, Container, baby thermometer disguised as a pacifier, more mittens and newborn vests. He's also on night watch. Baby's been eating every 2hours or so. At night i will wake up to give milk and pass the baby back to Z to burp, change diaper and send to sleep, while i go back to dreamland. WEll that's more than fair because later during the day i wake up at 8am for the massuese then Z gets to sleep till afternoon. Hah.


Its a pity that my ignorance was mistaken for a defying act of the elderly. For instance, i didnt know i cannot shower twice a day, better not to cut my hair as the masseuse would need to tie my hair high up, must wear socks all day and all that jazz. Its not that i purposely want to hurt them, i just dont bloody know!


Now (7th Apr), im on my way to the polyclinic for 2nd jaundice check up. The first one right after baby was discharged, doctor said he has the tendency to develop club foot so was ordered to rotate his left foot and to continue taping his last two toes cause of curled toes. His jaundice was 182. So let's hope today's assesment gets better.


Hey! This Thursday, Tufeil will be 2 weeks old! They say the first month is the longest. I just hafta get thru another 2 weeks before we will settle into some kind of routine or at the very least familiarity, hopefully insya'Allah Ameen.

Good news! Alhamdulillah, it was a surprise that the nurse told me Tufeil could be discharged last night. Thank god i changed my mind about resting at home. I actually had the option to discharge him that night and go to poly to check the jaundice level the next day at Woodlands Polyclinic or check the jaundice at the hospital that night and check him out the next day. Obviously, i went for the former since dad's already off work and going to woodlands poly is much nearer than all the way to Bukit Timah.


I have been prohibited to upload any pictures of the darling baby. Until after 40 days have passed. So you guys hafta either wait till then or see him for yourself hehe... - Email or sms me if u wanna come - So for the time being, i leave you with these descriptions of Tufeil:


Nose: Yes he has a high bridge of a nose but from the front the end looks like mine. (Hmmm is this descriptive enough? lol)


Cheeks: Chubby like me!


Hair: Soft & fine like mine but slightly wavy like Zubair's


Nails: Fingernails long rectangles like mine. Toenails short triangles like Zubair's


Lips: Beautifully defined shape like Zubair's masya'Allah but dry texture like mine.


He has very lean limbs. (i take it lean means... slim?) Zubair insists Tufeil's eyes take after his shape but i cant be too sure yet... can't quite make it out yet... even his eyelashes are not visible just yet.


Last night was very tiring for both of us. We came home like almost 10pm i think. by the time we settled down it was already midnight. By then, i've fed him twice already. Each time like not enough. at 3am nursed him again.... for 1hr!! but 30min after that he still cried. i gave him another 30min's supply and then he slept thru to 8am! Fooh! I think im finally getting the hang of BFing, hopefully.


This morning, Tufeil had his first official bath by the masseuse. Complete with flowers and all. After that, we went to the poly clinic and found out his jaundice increased just slightly to 182 from 175 the previous day. I was advised NOT to take any herbal things (read: UBAT PERIUk!!!) but to take in a lot of water as well as to give the baby some sun as is the practice.


After our first family outing, he slept for 3 full hours as so did we. and we all woke up refreshed. Looks like he's gonna be a true blue night owl. Hmmmmmmm

Sat 28th Mar 09...

After i was discharged, we went to take a look at Tufeil.

He was on drip. Luckily, on duty was an Indian Registrar Doctor Pradeep Singh who is a very jolly doctor! He explained to us that firstly, it was noticed that the baby has difficulty maintaining oxygen in the body so was given oxygen in the cot.

Secondly, from blood tests, there was an indication that his digestive system wasnt working so well.. that leads to produce some acid in the body more than was necessary which only affects the body worse.This condition is called error in metabolism something or other.

So i was not able to breastfeed him. But having had a wonderful experience with the hospital's expressing machine, we immediately bought Medela's Mini Express Pump @ $193 with the help of 2 x $50 vouchers courtesy of 'Azma and Zubair's friend, Sumbal. The balance was a gift from my parents. Yayyy

At home, only a tiny weeny sticky bit of collostrum came out. I threw it away as there's no way we could collect n save it - its too little.


Sunday 29th Mar 09

I started my massage session today. I shan't describe more about it as the main topic here is Tufeil's health.

But at 1pm, my parents sent us to the hospital. There's no more new information except that he's responding well to the medication and antibiotics and that he's condition is stabilising. At least today we got to cuddle him for a bit.


Mon 30th Mar 09

Quickly got dressed to go to the hosp right after massage and rushing thru my Ubat Periuk also. YUCKS.

I got a shock when i came! There was a blue light shining above him. What now? Oh its just the jaundice the nurse said. The level was 215 the previous night and 203 that morning. Ohh ok jaundice im not so worried.

Today, or rather the previous night, he's started on 40ml of milk. The nurse said i could nurse the baby! Yayyy...

So behind the screen, we struggled to feed him. I dont know whether its because of the massage oil's smell or the taste of the baby wipes when he first got a lick, he screwed up his face in dislike and shook his head. But we tried again after that ok... But everytime he latched on, he would immediately go to sleep. SleepyHead like mummy. haha. He did manage a few suckles though, so we continued the rest with cup feeding him the supplement.

Today was also the day i was in much pain to move about having shitted like 5 times the previous day and started coughing. So scared to cough you know, dont want anything to rupture!

We also got his Birth Certificate done and the no is NICE! =) That also means that we've finally compromised to name him Tufeil Hussain Zubair as opposed to the previously agreed at Tufeil Zubair Asadi. Haha... At least i still get my Tufeil. Thank you very much.


At home, suddenly my milk flowed!!! Alhamdulillahhhhh The very first successful extraction was only 10ml tho. Subsequent two pumpings were 20ml for 30min work. But i was a happy mother! What a miracle, Subhanallah! I can now stop comments like "Any milk yet?" "Do you have milk?""How come no milk?" "Looks like u dont have milk" GRRRRRRRRRRR Altho now the comments are, "How much milk?" "Enough milk?"


Tues 31st Mar 09

I requested for a day off from Massage today to concentrate on feeding the baby.

So when i woke up that morning, i had a lot of time to get ready, express milk, prepare bfast for the hub and myself and go thru my yucky yucky medicines.

We reached the hospital just in time for his feeding. Today we got more proficient and we were a real team, Zubair and i. He helped me carry the baby, while i push in the food. The second session @ 4pm was even more successful Alhamdulillah.... I suppose it just takes practice and lotsa patience.

Also Dr Pradeep was on duty again today. We got a good news that they are no longer worried about his condition from the primary blood tests results that came back. There are two more secondary results waited to return but there shouldn't be any problem, insya'Allah. So now just waiting to complete the course of Antibiotics and those reports. His jaundice level has also gone down to 188. I was told by the nurse than once below 190, he can be taken off from the photolight.

So if things maintain the way they are, he should be able to come home on FRIDAY!!! YAYY Ameen. Alhamdulillah.


I would say that Zubair is a much better parent than i am. At least, where taking care of infants are concerned. He holds the baby like a pro, his instincts are also... just marvellous... He's the one who carried the baby (I dont dare to with all the wires n stuffs), he proactively sponged the baby with baby wipes seeing that the skin is dry... Fed him the cup feed and all that. He even stayed at the hospital till 9pm everyday when i had already gone back at 6pm catching a ride from my father.

(Firstly, thanks you guys for your congratulations and well wishes. Simply can't afford to thank everyone indvdly. I'm so bad! In any case, let me tell you about the first day I actually played the role of a mother.)



.. Not really your average morning after. LOL.



After the delivery at 0118 of 27th Mar 09, Baby was cleaned up, i was stitched up. OMG!! THe placenta was HUGE! I didnt know it would look that big i tot just a small bag...


5mins after the delivery, Zubair was soooo excited he straight away called Ammi in Pakistan to let them know. well.. ok it was only about 10pm + over there. I have no doubt that if they could hook up with the internet over there, we would have done a video call! Since it was too early in the morning, i only called my mum to deliver the good news. =)


After that, Zubair rushed to 7-11 to buy honey as its their practice to give newborn baby a taste of something sweet as the first thing they ate. Very unfortunately, they didnt sell any. He came back to tell me so. I, on the other hand, was insisting that he read the Azan and Iqamah in the baby's eaves (ears?) first. So he decided to walk all the way to Mustafa to get that honey. So sweet.. ANd told me not to give him anything first.


Then a nurse came to show me how to breastfeed (hereafter known as BF). I asked the nurse if we could wait till after Zubair came back but she said they have a targetted amount of time to turnover patients who've already delivered. Another reason was also because that due to Gestational Diabetes, they were afraid if baby's blood sugar might get too low if we dont feed him ASAP.


When Z came back and realised what's happened I could really see his bright face fell. It was soooo sad. But i cldnt do anything about it. Thankfully, he puckered up quickly and did the necessary with the honey.


So i was wheeled back into the normal ward @ 4+am. Poor Zubair was shooed away by the fierce Aunty of a nurse. And as tired as he was, he took the train back home, the dear, to take a shower and some nap.


Me. I couldnt sleep. I was sooo excited! I kept running thru the day's events in my head so i would remember and that when pple visit i could easily churn out the summary! LOL. Finally i fell asleep and got awoken for bfast @ 9am. I heard the nurse telling my neighbour how they encourage mothers to bf every 3 hours. Hmmm my last feed was 4am+ but they never gave me my baby? I was told it was bcause he was still under the warmer. Ergh! So mean!


So i was alone in the hosp, Z went home and mummy wont be there till after 12nn. SO i cleaned up and had bfast and soon after, baby was sent to me for feeding. Yayyy... Alamak! How to do this? I thought. I called the nurse in to help me.


In the middle of my first real BF lesson, 3 of my colleagues came by!! Luckily they were ladies so i invited them in. It was diff. My main problem at that time was that I was still scared and not confident of how to carry a newborn!


Soon after that, my parents, the maid and of course, Syifaa' came. Phew. What a relief! I would need lotsa help to fetch things or whatever bcos with the epidural effect gone, i was really in pain.

After lunch, tried BF again.

THen my guy cousins and the aunty came.

Then 3 of the 11 Bestfriends came. They were such angels showing me how to get baby to latch on, giving tips on the optimal position to use... However, i noticed that everytime he's latched on comfortably he would straight away fall asleep!! THe nurse said this is normal just hafta tease him awake. Aiyoyoo...

After the girls had left, There was a short window for me to nap in between guests and feedings so i did for an hour.

Then Taufiq's mother and grandmother came.

I got caught in an embarassing look when Zubair's Pakistani friends came by. Both times just as i got out from the loo! But the young group of 3 guys n 3 gals from NUS caught me by surprise. DO u know that i actually brought my make up bag in preparation to meet them? That's how insecure i feel. haha. BUt they caught me offguard and some more they snapped my photo and posted on facebook! One thing's for sure, i felt a bit relieved that Zubair's got his dose of Urdu speaking visitors. Otherwise, he looked forlorn amidst the Malay talking relatives.


After that, Fatma, both mine and ZUbair's friend came by. Unfortunately, Zubair was already out for class at 8:30pm. But we had no problem entertaining her, she being friendly and all that. Even my aunt and cousins talked to her. And that was the last of the visitors.


Actually we'd returned the baby to the nursery but shortly after that when everybody's gone, the nurse came back with Tufeil saying its feeding time. I didnt wanna keep disturbing the nurse to help me, so i picked up the courage and braved the pain to carry my baby all on my own and BF him some. That's when i truly heard his breathing was real loud like how ASh had observed. WE thought it was normal since i am a heavy breather also.


Zubair came and was again, shooed away. The nurse asked if i would like to send back the baby to the nursery cos i look dead tired - its the panda eyes. I hesitated but succumbed to it but stressed the importance of cup feeding and NOT bottle feeding so as not to disturb baby learning to BF.


At 2am, i was woken up. The Paed on duty came by to tell me that there's something wrong with my baby! He's respiratory rate was on the high side, he kept crying and vomitting. He asked if the baby's been feeding well. I told him Hmmm maybe not so cos everytime he latched on, he'd fall asleep. THe doc sighed and said, yeah that could be another sign. BUt what could it mean?, i asked. He said its probably an infection and they would do some blood tests and put him on antibiotics. THey need to bring my baby to the Special Care NUrsery. ANd i said ok.


I was groggy then. But after a few min, i realised im gonna miss him so rushed out to see him before he got sent away but could only see the balloon (COurtesy of his dear Aunty Noll) in his cot walking away!! I cldnt help but cry!! THe nurse assured me that its ok... its better that they do the observation now while we're still in the hosp and soon rather than later. I told the nurse my concern is about BF. HOw do i feed him now? She said ok dont worry tmrw we will give you the pump to express the milk.


I immediately called ZUbair to tell him and he took a U TUrn back to the hosp. I got really upset when he got angry at ME for what's happened to the baby. Like HUH??? So i just kept quiet and let him cool down. In the meantime, i was burning inside and suddenly burst into loud sobs. SOrry neighbours, i cldnt help me. Was really hormonal and emotional.


Trying to do something for Tufeil so i rang for the nurse to get the pumping eqpt. i tried and nothing came out! STRESSED STRESSED. Cld hardly sleep all night. When i did, both times i had nightmares. FUnnily enough not about the baby but the father! haha.


Saturday 28th Mar 09.

I am discharged today. But i didnt feel like gg home WITHOUT the baby. When i awoke at 9am, i nudged Z to bring me see the baby (he's seen Tufeil the prev night already). When we got there, we were told that the doctors were doing their rounds and to come back at 11:30am.

Back at the ward, the nurse invited me to see a BF video and attend the discharge briefing. I was really confused to go or not. Cos i was feeling really down. Z kept blaming my lack of proficiency in BF to be the cause of the problem so i wasnt about to be told some more that ive been doing it wrong. I took some time to think and joined the video a bit later having concluded that this should be the best time to ask Questions.

The kind NUrse Faridah reassured me that its ok, just continue to massage and express 3 hourly even tho nothing comes out. When baby's back and get a suckle, INsya'Allah it will be there.


TO be continued....

Thurs 19/3

Felt contractions at 2am. (They like to come in the middle of the night dont they!?) But was not regular but made me feel rather apprehensive for the check up at 11am.


Had to wait about 1hr to do the ultrasound at Antenatal Monitoring Clinic (AMC) Jeez. Luckily, met Fara who was also there for her baby's appointment so 1hr passed by like nothing as we talked and talked. We were very loud though cos first we were shooed by the nurse to go from the waiting area inside, to the one outside and then i noticed some pple glanced back at us irritatingly. Sorry! We were sooo excited to meet and had a lot to talk about! heheheh


Then had to wait 15min to do the heartbeat scan for 30min. By the time I met Doctor Lubna, it was way past 1pm.


Amniotic Fluid 7.7 (Not to get below 5) and Baby's weight is 2.9kg (Good range between 2.5 - 3.5 i think). So Doctor said that she's comfortable to wait for another week AFTER my EDD. And that she won't do the VE on me if i dont want to. I shook my head hard!


She also noticed that Im having irregular contractions and asked if i felt anything. During the scan, NO. I did manage to glance at my chart and understood why Dr Endrina had to ask her colleague on what to do when she saw my chart last week. Last week's chart was VERY Regular BUT i still didnt feel anything. This week's was very random and at varying peaks.


Total cost: $53. not bad at all! I was thinking over $100!


Next Appt is Wed 25th Mar, a day after my EDD and to go thru the same procedures as today's.


We sighed breaths of relieves! INsya'Allah it will mean that we get to go to the family BBQ on Sunday and hopefully even manage to hold off till after Zubair's 2nd major concert on 24th Mar itself!


I did ask him though what if i deliver right DURING his performance???? He said its ok i'll come AFTER the performance, at least i'm still here. Memang nak kena cepuk betul!!! Let's just hope the baby will wait patiently for the papa to come and receive him before it decides to pop out!


The only negative outcome im feeling is the pressure to keep baby's weight down. My mum already commented, "Oh its heavier than Syifaa' when she was born" she was 2.7 or 2.8 like tt. Arghhh I sooo want a light baby. My friend's 3kg baby look soooo tiny and petite and cute. I can't bear to be responsible for his obesity in later life! HUARGHHHHHHH


I know i know... most importantly baby should be healthy... but i just can't help resoluting NOT TO EAT at all!! THAT kinda pressure ok! But alas... im not that strong willed. Just last night i finished the rest of the half of my McFlurry ice cream. LOL

3rd Mar 09


Got reprimanded (sorta) by the gynae for two things:

1. Not going to the hospital the moment i noticed decreased movements
2. Not doing my Blood Sugar Level for the past two weeks

Re No. 1, She said that its IMPORTANT that i go to the hosp to get a heartbeat check on the baby once i notice decreased movements in the baby because dont wanna risk anything to happen to it.

That day when i noticed it was moving very slowly and somewhat lethargically, i tot i'd wait and see how the next day went first before going to hosp. And the next day he got slightly more active and by the 3rd he was up to his usual self so everything's fine now.

Re No 2, She said it is crucial that i keep monitoring my blood sugar level so they can roughly gauge how the baby is doing inside. I apologised and said will do it the next day. She said that i can even do it every other day if i want to. Yes i want to... just need to go and buy some more supplies. Aiyah.

I weighed in @ 68.4kg!!! 800gm increase from 2 weeks ago! I hope i won't hit 70kg tho... that would be an awful lot to lose after delivery man!

It was our wedding anniversary day but the guy was fast asleep at home after an all nighter! So i had to go to the check up alone. Oh whatever... all the better in fact so i could catch up on my reading. BAH. Like the ad says, "Who needs a man when you have HArvey Norman?" Lol.

The gynae today was very nice... not so flustered that i managed to wriggle some answers out of her. I managed to tell her that i have very itchy skin to which she prescribed calamine lotion. I also asked her when's the next ultrasound gonna be. Her answer, "Oh there wont be anymore ultrasound because you can be due anytime soon. But if not, maybe 38th - 39th week." Oh well ok as long as she feels my baby is good and healthy lah. We'll meet him when we see him. =)

It was a good fortune for me that one of the 11 bestfriends delivered @ the same hosp just the day before my check up! So i went to see her first and got a detailed story of her birth right down to the minute detail as well as what to bring etc. Too many tips to write down here and i wanna go for a nap now... sooo... ill just write down MY own birth story when the time comes lah. Dont wanna spoil it for her also.

Next check up is in a week's time, 12th mar 09. EDD: 24th Mar 09. Eyow!

This is the Baby cot Zubair bought from Kiddy Palace last week.

LATIDO red+Black colour @ S$210!

One night Syifaa' insisted on being carried into the cot despite my explanation that this is for baby and she's a BIG girl now. So in the end, we compromised that she can get in but can only sit down nicely and not jump jump around.

Zubair was not around that time. If he were, he'd definitely say cannot. I'm weak in that sense (or u can also say ine very sense). Always give in to a child's request... or rather... tantrum. hah. He can easily scare Syifaa' out of the room by GROWLING like the bear he is. hehe... and she will run away squealing.

ANYWAYs!!! the cot is taking too much of our bedroom space! I've asked Z to dismantle it first cos we had 6 weeks more to go then. It has been 1.5weeks now. Because the baby hasnt arrived yet, its the BARANG-BARANG (things) that are residing inside. GRRRRRR...

I boarded the bus to my antenatal class @ KK.

No. 57 single decker with only 4 seats on lower ground but ample space for standing passengers as well as wheelchairs. It was crowded.

2 Elderly Nyonyas boarded the bus somewhere from Fu Lou Shou Complex with bags of groceries. It had been raining and they had their umbrella sticks with them.

One of them was standing in front of me and suddenly raised her umbrella wanting to put it onto this empty panel as high as my ear level (remember i was sitting down) to my left. Somehow, she didnt quite get the aim right and actually poked my arm!!

I somewhat glared questioningly at the aunty as if to say, "HUH???" And she made a half sincere apologetic smile. I bet she didnt know i was pregnant and resented that i was sitting down. In retrospect, she could have hit my tummy by mere inches ok!!! Then Zubair would regret and feel guilty ALL his entire livelihood for not being there for me. HA HA HA... lol... Anyways, I didnt give up my seat because im selfish and i was afraid i'd fall. The driver was rather violent that day.

As i was about to alight, i almost almost almost wanted to tell this 40+ Malay guy to give up his seat for the aunties. Before i could muster enough courage, the bus had stopped and i alighted.

Last Thurs night (18/12), I was alone in my room.


It was 1:30am. Desperately sleepy but desperately wanted to wait up for Zubair. So much so i started crying thinking, "WHY HE MADE ME STAY UP TILL SO LATE??? He knows right the next day we hafta go for check up very early in the morning!!"


Before i knew it, i was spilling out vomit. But it wasn't as easy as that time exactly 10 yrs ago when i had diarrhoea. That was like a spoilt running tap. This night, it felt more like a congested tap. I truly felt like dying. I cldn't breathe. I was choking.


I wailed out loud but nobody came to my aid. Parents were away on Honeymoon, Ash in Vietnam. So i tried to compose myself and stop as much cough as i could just to be able to dial Zubair's no. Even so, i could hardly speak. I just continued crying and managed to gasp, "Come. home. quick. i'm. vomitting."


To my great disappointment, he chided me, "You're only vomitting, then why are you crying. CHUP (Quiet!)."


I hung up crying more than ever. Why doesnt he care?!?!??! Well maybe to him it IS normal for pregnant women to vomit, despite me having not vomitted twice in the whole 6 months of my pregnancy. But cldn't he see i NEEDED to be comforted, even if its NORMAL?? Surely if HE was in pain, he'd want the same? Normaly but STILL AGONISING to be DYING ok.


Also because, I had been having cough + phlegm for the past 2 weeks. it seemed to be gone already but sometimes when i breathe, i will suddenly feel something sharp in my throat and will get into a coughing fit. I had to stop myself many times from continuing to cough cos i was afraid i'd vomit.


Being an inexperienced vomitter, i spilt them on the floor! Ok maybe he made me cry, but at least he had some sense to clean up my mess for me. I left him no choice when i spent the night in my parents' room anyway, in case i need to rush to toilet to vomit.



When i started to clean myself up, i looked in the mirror and almost fainted at the HORRIFIC view.

Right Cheek

Doc prescribed me with DOUBLE dose of Iron as well as Vit C for better absorption. *faint*

Oh yeah those red blotches.. they are BURST BLOOD VESSELS from straining too much when i was throwing up. They will got away after 3 days or so. The doc didnt look too concerned. Humph! Apparently my mum and sis (who throw up often) also suffer from this phenomenon. Altho when Ash saw my left cheek, she did say it was VERY bad she never had one like tt before. And that, cornily enough, assured me somehow. That i was really sick and in pain. Unlike what somebody thought. Humph!

Best part was i was given MC for the whole day so i got to rest at home some. and Thankfully, Z had some consideration for me and cancelled his lunch meeting with a prospective bandmember something or other. Although, i suspect it might also give him the excuse to "rest" at home after such a tiring short night. ;) At least he was there for me. And even better, he had class in the evening, so i had some time to myself as well. So it was a nice day after a horrendous night.

Fri, 5th Dec 08


Thank God Fara told me there's a John Little sale at the Expo last week.



She bought a pram @ just $99 Usual price $169.



Unfortunately, i DO think its wayyyy much too early for me to buy a pram.. but i tot i should check out other baby stuffs.. Plus Zubair needs to expand his wardrobe now that he has to wear smart to work come new year, insya'Allah. (More news on this when its confirmed)



Fortunately or unfortunately, he was late. I had a brief look first to get an idea of what's actually available then waited for him at BK for dinner.


I was told by a family member that its too early to buy baby things bcos there's no space to put. But then again, its also right that we should buy bit by bit (PLUS @ a sale!) so it wont feel too burdensome later.


We saw baby's crib going at a lil over $100.... baby bedsheet... and of cos lotsa rompers n such. In the end, we bought a Bottle Steriliser for 6 bottles @ $69 SnowBear brand, a romper and 2 booties for the baby. ALL BLUE. Decided against buying a $20 Bottle and Food Warmer and a $20+ BPump. Like maybe i should wait and see if i COULD BF in the first place, see.


We both got a pair of shoe @ less than $20each, a Sintex 360 threadcount Quilt Cover bedsheet set @ $58, Crocodile's pants x 2 + shirt totalling $80 and some misc snacks which till now still not opened.


I would say i feel satisfied at having a great deal and like a world of relief swept me over when i get to spend money like it didnt matter. hahahhaa altho it only managed to be soothing for 2 days. Then i started gasping for breath.


Then over the weekend, we managed to arrange the other half of our wardrobe and settled in the 5 tier plastic drawer for baby's toiletries and clothes and one big one for his towels and such. But it seemed messier than when we started!! Another overhaul soon.

9 out 10 points to Zubair who initiated to go to ICA on Mon ie yesterday to get his Long Term Visit Pass renewed.

Why i didnt suggest this earlier is because on the cover letter when received his green card, it stated as non-renewable but it didnt show anyway on the card. So we tot, we'd take our chances.

He arrived there bright and early at 9:30am. I told him that if there is any problem, just try to get it extended on the basis that the work permit application for him is in the process.

I was anxious to get news. at 11:47am he called me and said, "They say i hafta exit."

I wailed, "Whatttttttttt??? But howwwwwwwww?" In my mind i was thinking, no way m i gonna cough up SGD 1k just for his plane ticket home.

Then he lightened up and said, "I was just kidding lah. They extended my visa for another 2 months while the LTVP is being processed. Paid $30 for it. Shall i come to ur office now?"

I was jumping for joy!!! Alhamdulillah.... That means now his social visit pass is valid till 28th Dec 08. Now we just hafta pray that the work permit application will be processed smoothly.

I felt sheer delight at the prospect of having lunch with Z in town! Although i was dreaming of having INdian Rojak for lunch since morning, i was thinking of having a celebratory lunch with him at Fig & Olive or something. Luckily, he stopped me saying we shldnt spend unnecessarily and stayed firmly at that even when i tried the its-only-once-in-awhile excuse. But in the end, i got my Rojak and he Nasi Briyani.

I tricked him into coming with me to International Plaza (where the train is) to collect my maternity pants and then to the other corner of my office to the convenience store. He grunted when he found out that it meant he had to walk back to my office to collect his file and back again to take the train, "I'm sure you wouldn't do this if you were alone."

To which i replied, "Well... walking alone is no fun... This way we get to spend a bit more time together." At least... i bought for him chocolates. Hee =D

Yesterday was a Public Holiday for Deepavali aka Diwali.

It's been a longggggg time since we've been here. Well i have just 2 weeks ago but that was lunch time. Anyways, even the brother who always served us said, "Long time no see... After Eid that u come n visit eh." hahaha I'm amused at how he recognises us!

Zubair insisted on taking a photo with this icky yellow ferrari-looking car. I said, "What if the owner is somewhere nearby?" He said, "It's ok. He should feel proud that pple are taking photos with his car." Hmmmmmmm

We walked to Chinatown, took the night bus and reached home at 2am.

Sun, 26th Oct

Woke up at 2pm today. Zubair was already getting ready for his Diwali appearance. LOL. Funnily enough, for Deepavali, he only got 1 gig as opposed to his numerous performances for Hari Raya.

I spent the day alternating between lazily watching ANTM online... snoozing... reading book... eating... till Z came home at 10+pm. I realised that i hadnt eaten since lunch time with Z before he left and i was ravenous. Although Z was tired, he gave in to my request to walk that 10min to have dinner at Al-Ameen because i just cldn't stomach fast food at that time.

It felt very nice when Z told me about his day at work. So much so that suddenly Z wondered aloud, "How did we come to this topic?" The conversation just flowed... very rare to get a chat like that outta him =D

Mon 27th Oct

By now, i realised that this might just be our last relaxed weekend together before he started working 12hr day x 6days, insya'Allah. i wanted to make the best out of it so We stayed in bed till 3pm.

Although we had drained our brains thinking of where to go, we just got ready. We MUST go out before we couldn't. Then i got it. Let's go BOWLING!

We wanted to have dinner at Cavana since we were at Marina Sq anyway but found out they've closed! seems like a lot of their outlets have shut down! So we had to settle for the food court, where i got my Qi Ji Popiah x 2. Yayyyy-ness

The scores!

Round 1.

All these while i had been using 7 - 8lbs ball. But when i tried the 10lbs pound, suddenly i got 3 strikes in a row. But no, it wasn't considered a turkey cos the first strike was in effect a Spare.

Even Z did very well! I asked jokingly, "Have u been practising or something?"

Ok i dont have much pictures on my hp, as most of them were being snapped from other pple's digital cameras. I shld have known they'd take a while to upload! :P


Firstly, Z has been telling me since beginning of fasting month that he only wants to go to 2 houses MAX. As it turned out, he couldn't make it after all bcos he has a concert at Temple of Fine Arts from 9am and finished like 8pm by which time he was too tired to join us for the last, most special house! I felt that TFA was quite inconsiderate in that sense lah. But then again most of them are not muslims save for two or three of them, so they would take the PH opportunity to org a concert. Sighhh


Anyways, first stop is Nenek Jah's House, Syifaa's paternal grandmother.

Banging the keyboard while singing A B C

Syifaa's cousin. So now Syifaa' is KAKAK (older sis).

Soon she's gonna be kakak on her maternal side also. =)

2nd house was my father's oldest brother (aka Pak Long). Traditionally, the bros and sisters would gather at his house as their parents, my paternal grandparents have passed on about 10 yrs ago.

We are normally not vocal with this side of the family. But with the help of facebook, and blog we became loud VIRTUALLY. hehe Kak Lynna, a regular commenter here, is one of my cousins lah. The strange thing is that, when we meet outside out of family gathering context, we could talk like friends... Ok maybe its just me ... it doesnt help that a bunch of them dont speak malay but mandarin. I dont know why but i always have difficulty making chinese friends. Too comfortable in my own "world".

3rd house is my mother's father's (aka Tok Husaini) house. This is where we usually join forces with the Simei Gang.

I get to be one of the Tiga Dara Pingitan (3 single ladies) for a day.... haha

If you can see, i was wearing a pashmina (long rectangle scarf type). ERK i think the way i was wearing it made me look BIG lah. So much so that Ayid, who didnt know i was pregnant thought i gained weight. But Nur (the rightmost one in the pic) tot i DID looke like i lost weight.

While almost everybody at Pak Long's house knew i was pregnant, nobody else noticed my discreetly bulging tummy. Maybe they did but was too shy to ask for fear of being wrong and got me offended! hahah

Next was some Tok Long's house. I THINK its my mother's mother's oldest brother or something. It was around 5pm and i actually got too tired, i napped awhile. (takleh salahkan, org mengandung - can't be faulted, a pregger.) My cuz even snapped a picture of me dozing but i dont know there seems to be a technical error saving the picture so can't upload. haha just as well.

the 5th and 6th houses were mundane at best. No picture, we just entertained ourselves with each other's company. Of Course Syifaa' made it more livelier for us.

The last and most important one is visiting my mother's mother who lives with my paki uncle. Here, we are all a boisterous bunch as the youngest aunty is just 5 yrs older than my 1st sis, 10 yrs older than me. So she's very one of us lah..

Can u spot my nenek?

The turqoise pple are the Simei Gang

The girl in pink and small boy is another set of cousin.

The other one is Tiah, with whom i went to Geylang with two nights previously.

The 10yr old Paki + Malay breed boy was fast asleep by the time we got there.

I saved my tummy, purposely skipping main meals for the last 4 houses, and eating just 1 pc of ketupat at first 2 other houses, to have a big dinner at my grandma's place. And to my great pleasure, one of the dishes is Sambal Goreng Pengantin which consists of only Beef and Beef Lungssssss.... Fuyohhhh yumminess!!! I dont like other variation of Sambal Goreng that might include Tempe (fermented soya bean) and tahu (beancurd) and even long beans!

All in all, we covered 7 houses this yr after leaving the house earlier than usual ie @ 12pm hahaha. and i seem to be eating less this yr as compared to pre pregnancy! Ironic! Even then, i managed to gain 1kg in just one day! So i'm back on track!

Next yr, there's no escape for Z. He HAS to follow all the way to help with baby, insya'Allah.

A snippet from Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married:

A long time ago, from the window of my office, i saw little kids playing at the playground on the roof of the opp building.

(Random picture)

And i thought, "Oh cool! There's a nursery in the middle of CBD (Central Business District) so u can drop off ur children then go to work. How convenient!"


A few months later, on the way to work, i saw a woman striding along the underpass from the MRT carrying a child's bag and hurrying / dragging her 4yr old or so son behind her. and i thought, "Poor child hafta wake up so early in the morning." but never thought about it until....




Yesterday, on the way home from work ie around 6pm, i saw a little girl in sch uniform crying and trying to grab hold of her mother's hand but the mother shooed it away twice. and then i thought, "Poor child.. hafta stay at the playschool centre the whole day?!?!??! Must be real tiring for them. Sure they can get a nap, be fed and what nots.. but surely a home is a home."


Then i started to wonder... How would it be like for me when Zubair and i have children?

He thinks this type of shoes with those little little dots of pattern is VILLAGE looking. Ok maybe the one i showed him was with the dots and a REAL POINTY front. But that's sooo... classic... Like something Rhett Butler from Gone with the Winds would wear! (I couldn't get the right picture) not suitable for daily wear but i wouldnt go as far as calling it VILLAGE! Furthermore, the price tag was like.... $100??? *shrug*



What do YOU think about this style?


But oklah... last night, we just happened to walk past Bata at Causeway Point and like FINALLY! They have something sensible that Zubair likes and in his size. PLUS we got it for just $39.90! Yayyyy!! I tried to push my luck to get Z to put on the $30 one but nope he doesnt like.


But what a relief that we finally got Z a new pair of shoes. I can't stand looking at brown shoes (even mine).

Saturday went past just like that because we slept super late... we woke up DUPER late.

I was nice lazing around in bed till 3pm.

and then we NAPPED some more!! 7:30 to 11:30pm!

One thing touched my heart that day. Zubair was talking to Ammi. And then later said to me, "Give me baby lah!! I'm old already (coming to 28 this Oct)... Men my age already got 3 yr old baby"

Me growing up reading fictions from the west, am used to the idealogy that guys in general are afraid of commitment and are baby-phobic.

But that is not the case for Z. He's the one who can't wait for a baby or rather babies. He suggested to go see a doctor for it but i told him, "Let's wait till Jan 2009"

Why? Because i only got off the pill last Dec. And it might take up to 6 months for the condition to normalise. Then i reckon it will take another 6 months to beat the odds of 50-50 to conceive(since most of my friends got hitched at 3rd month). So there.

In a way i regretted taking those pills. But in many ways i am grateful that i did. Well, If i had gotten pregnant a year ago, i think i'll be dead with the stress since one year later, Z still hasnt got a job. Imagine being pregnant and the sole breadwinner! No no no.. im strong but NOT that strong.

But really, i am afraid of the challenges that will accompany the arrival of our own baby. Mainly, im concern about the finances. Hoping against hope that Z will already get a job then, we will still be struggling cos then we need our own house. Cos my parents already told me that my mum can't take care of another baby, which is just as well cos i want to call Ammi ji to look after the baby. But of course we need to house Ammi properly. ie need to buy our own house. With that, not only do we hafta think about the baby expenses, also the new house purchase and household expenditure. ARGHHHH

Sometimes i think, its better not to think.