The Original Juice

Ok... So its 8pm and im still in the office. Just finishing up actually. As usual its because the Paris Bosses are coming and i need to make 5 sets of report.

Stayed back last night too... But last night was better because 2 great kaki (friend/colleagues) were there too and we had fun laughing while finishing our work. Tonight its just the boss and me and now he's left already.

I'm still not finished but preparing for the stuffs to slot in on Monday.

Speaking of Monday, my temp will start on that day! I will have 2 full weeks to train her afterwhich she will be alone in the office with no other more exp staff around the next snr one also on maternity! LOL. She will also be coming just 3 days a week.

We have two weeks because i have more or less decided to start my maternity leave a week before my EDD of 24th Mar. Which basically means that by 3rd week of March ill be hanging around at home relaxing, playing game, treasuring the last few days with the hub at home as well as preparing for any more last minute items also should be doing lotsa walking...

A friend shared that during her time she wanted to work to the very last moment because she didnt think she could bare sitting around and waiting for the contractions to come at home. hehe... To be honest, i already feel anxious about the baby's arrival ... but i can't wait to sleep all day too! LOL

And about baby.... Strange... today it is rather quiet that its normal self. Yesterday i was complaining to Z that the baby's kicking me soooo hard and furious my tummy felt sore! Today the feeling was like... sombre... with only half hearted kicks and stretches. Should i start to worry? But i think it's still within 10 times a day... just not the usual level of activeness.

Today i almost went crazy with itchiness on the tummy too! I think it might be because of the pants. Its not tight ... just that it has got some ruffles where the elastic is that's making some kind of mark on the tummy and making me BONKErs!

Oklah... That's the update for tonight. I'm going off to pick up Z by cab from his class and then have dinner.

Night All.

So it was my first day back to work in the week yesterday and was sooo rushed to finish a report that by the time i realise it, it was already 6:15pm.

I dashed to the taxi stand and $12.35 and 18min later i reached KK just in time for the class to start.

I was quite disappointed that it wasnt the same physiotherapist though as i was looking forward to her class. However, the more disappointing part is that its more a revision of 1st stage of labour which i had just done the week before (other couples done many weeks before) because im actually attending a make up class.

The new stuff that she showed us was the C sitting position. She admitted that the best position for delivery is squatting with the natural help of gravity but that its not agreeable in hospital environment as you'd be strapped to machines. So instead they will bring the back of the hospital bed as vertical as possible and propped against a pillow we should sit as upright as possible with Thighs to open as wide as possible bent at the knees and hands holding on to ankle or the bed rail.


So embarrassing that we ALL had to practise to be in that position and furthermore i was alone. Thankfully the couple opp me against the other wall is quite far aways. In that position, we were told to do the bulge and push (??) technique during contractions. By this time, it should be coming every 3-4 min lasting for 2 min. We were told to lean back against the pillow, breathe deep filling ur tummy OUT, then face down, breathe out and PUSH. As u run out of breath, face up again to take another breath.


The first round, most of us were doing 4 breaths in 2mins. But the instructor said that its ok to be doing 6 - 8 intakes within that 2min so as not to be holding our breath.


Then at the crowning stage when you're NOT supposed to push, you should employ the pant-pant-blow technique which is expelling 2 short breaths and 1 long one. Doesnt matter how or what u say in between as long as there are 2 short and 1 long breaths out.


The other thing she skimmed for us is common postnatal problems such as backache and stuffs and how to overcome them by tilting ur pelvic bone until ur back is straight against the wall and maintaining good posture. *YAWN*


Just as well that Z wasn't there or he'd be soooooo turned off by antenatal classes. By the end of the class, which ended 40min earlier than scheduled, I swore that if she had said "as well" one more time, i'd punch her face. She was practically ending every other sentence with "As well" even when it was inappropriate!! Jeez!


But poor her. I think she was being evaluated in the class because she said she has a "colleague" with her that night who didnt say anything but just observed with a pen and paper on hand.


I did pose a question though, "How would the hospital view any other birthing position like on all fours?" She said its not advisable but you can consult ur doctor for that. But i told her, "I come from poly, and the doctor said that they dont entertain birth plan. So i dont know really who to tell my favourable position to." Her answer? "Maybe you can try to give it to your obstetrics?" I just nodded but inwardly i was doing a mental eye rolling like, "HELLO???? Have u been listening to me??? ERgh!"


There's another class tonight for Admission, spousal support and video. I'm not going since there's no spousal support attending and i can't bear to watch a real video.


So there!


PS: Oh God i'm sooooooooooooooo soooooooooooooooooo extremelyyyyyyyyyy sleepyyyyyyyyyy. Please Lord let me have a good night sleep tonight.

So i was on leave the past two days. It was nice to get to sleep in and stay up late. hehe

The purpose of the leave was to springclean the room before the baby comes and prepare whatever other things it may need.

On Sunday, working for almost 3 hours, i managed to get a headstart to the spring cleaning clearing out the wardrobe. Now the tudung drawer is all nicely folded. It used to be in a BIG MESS i had to forage around throwing all out to search for a matching scarf every night and then dump it all backed in in sheer disarray. i threw away 1 big bag of old clothes (to be recycled that is).

Now that was out of the way, Mon i worked on the bag, books and toiletries section of the wadrobe. I even managed to empty one big section where files and bags used to be. Can put more baby stuffs in there. This resulted in two bags to be thrown away. one containing old bags and dustry paper bags that i dont care to keep any longer. This took me 1.5hrs

Now today Tuesday... is the best part of the preparation... SHOPPING. initially wanted to go to Jurong POint but we prioritised sleep so just ended up at causeway point. We went to just one shop ie Mothercare because Z was pressed for time. Thankfully the kind sales assistant allowed us to use my sister's membership just by giving her my sis' contact no.

These are the things we bought:

1. Changing Mat @ $6.93
2. BABY CARRIER (Mothercare brand with 3 ways) @ $80.10
3. BMilk Storage the plastic thingy Lansinoh brand @ 16.20 for 25pcs
4. Newborn Huggies 24pcs @ $6.93
5. 2 x newborn vest @ $11.70
6. Nursing bra @ $38

Total $170.93.

Am very satisfied with my buys. But did forget to buy another tube of Stretchmark cream and baby bedsheet.

I would say im almost completely ready for baby's arrival now, in terms of material save for stroller. As for everyday toiletries. Im hoping to use from hospital's sample for the first few days first.

Speaking of which... i will need an electric breast pump. I already have the manual one from my sis for the first few tryouts. But with my injured hand,i think i will NEED the electric one. Does anybody has one to LOAN or to sell???

Let's just hope i can be mentally and physically ready for the baby in a timely manner.

PS: Yayyy my boss said the temp will start this thurs!!

We arrived 2mins after 6:30pm.

Had to take off our shoes at the door. and sit on yoga mats. WOW!!! This is soooo gonna be hands on tonight. Zubair would totally NOT be bored.

True enough. The physiologist didnt even go thru slide by slide to explain the details of 1st stage of labour. Instead, she made it very interactive indeed.

First, we went thru the SIGNS of Labour:

1. A Show

- which is actually the mucus plug that's been keeping ur baby safe inside the waterbag (imagine a CORK) being expelled vaginally.

- colour is brownish red and is normally just one gush/spot.

- no need to go to hosp just yet.

- is different from bleeding (bleeding redder and steadier flow) in which case u HAFTA go to hosp.

2. Contractions

- As far as possible, try to labour at home. Wait till contractions are 10 - 15min apart before going to the hosp unless you can't cope with the pain.

- Where to go? Delivery Suite, 2nd Floor Women's Tower. Alternatively, can also go to Basement 1 and they will wheel u up but DONT go to the emergency room, it will take LONGER. How ironic!!!!!

3. Waterbag Burst

- Odourless colourless

- Different from urine leakage in terms of colour and odour. like Duh. And that if you contract ur pelvic muscle, it still flows means its waterbag (aka amniotic fluid).

- You have 2 hours from now to take a shower, pack ur bag and check in to the hospital's delivery suite. IMP: DON"T RUSH.

A new thing i learnt is that between the 1st and 2nd stage of labour, there is a transition stage where you will feel a strong urge to push but you're NOT ALLOWED to. This is because your cervix is not dilated yet and can cause trauma to the cervix and/or baby if you insist on pushing!

So what can you do to NOT Push? Do the Fu-Fu-Ahhhhhhh breathing technic. LOL. That is actually 2 short breath blows and a long one. Dont know what its actually called. But if you keep on doing this, you will find that you have no time to even think of pushing. Or so she said. Otherwise, i'd say JUST CLOSE UR LEGS lah! LOL Also, try to lie on your SIDEs instead of back to ease the pressure of baby on ur cervix.

While having contraction pains, its best to remain UPRIGHT for gravity to pull ur baby down naturally. But LEANING FORWARD will ease the pressure off ur lower back. You can be in this position while standing (facing and leaning against the wall, or ur back to the wall) or sitting at the edge or a chair or straddling it. Rocking ur pelvis right and left will also give a soothing rhythm.

Now... massages.... There are 4 technics that she showed us. I have no idea how to note them in words. So i just hope Z will remember them in his mind. The only thing i can describe are:

1. the massage is better done with no clothes in between to cause friction. Better still, use vegetable oil (for massage) for smoother flow
2. Do not rub the spine too hard else it may cause injury. Light ones ok
3. Tip to be good masseuse: Ask for feedback - too hard too soft?

We finished 45min earlier than scheduled! But that by no means we went home empty headed. I was really satisfied with today's lesson i can't wait for the next one. Oh if only Z could come for the 2nd stage and Labour Rehearsal class. Sheesh!

(Thank god the chilled goat meat didnt give off any embarrassing smell.)

18th Feb 09


Weighed in @ 67.6kg.


And that was after having lunch too! 5 weeks ago i was 66kg. I'm Soooo happy. I was afraid i'd go more than 70kg but i still have another 5 weeks or so to go so who's to say what can happen from now till then!


We waited for some 45min but only saw the doc for 5. Furthermore, it was a MALE doctor! Lucky Zubair didn't mind. While waiting i went thru many many times in my head of all the list of things to say / ask:

1. Z's blood test result from last check up
2. Why am i having rashes on my thigh? It cant be the stretch mark cream nor aloe vera cream i've been using cos i've used it a lot of time before. Could it be Bed bug? Lol
3. What are the things i should pack to hosp?
4. Who should i give my birth plan to?

He was in soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much of a hurry he made me feel... outrageous to be imposing on him questions he didnt have time for. But i didnt manage to weasel 2 answers out of him.


Ans to No 1: All ok
Ans to no 4: We dont entertain birth plan. (he even managed to smirk when i said i wanna try without epidural.)


He was in such haste to dismiss me that 3min later as i was waiting to make payment, the nurse had to call me back in. She said, "Doctor wants to ask you about your Blood sugar level." Bah! At the rate he was going, Of course he would miss A LOT of things to check! He recorded down my latest reading and said its still not so bad.


Because we didnt have an ultrasound scan done that day, he examined my tummy. and by examine i mean just stick the doppler ON my tummy, got the heartbeat and Done. Had to wipe my tummy on my own! Even poly wasn't as bad as that! They had attendants to help us clean up.


I didn't care and just interrupted his washing ritual and asked, "Where's the baby's head?" Carelessly he replied, "Down lor." As if i was such a duffer. Fortunately he was responsible enough to come back, have a feel and confirm, "Yeah there. can feel the hard head down there." And he had to wash his hands again. HA ha.


The reason i asked is because i've been feeling the kicks and stretchings on my sides and showed the gynae where. To that he said, "Yeah that's the correct place lah. If you feel the kicks below, then that's a breeched baby." Ahhh ok at least i actually LEARNT something.


In reflection, I can laugh at myself. I'm a Sengkek (stingy person) who demands for Private-class treatment. How can! *shake head*


At the payment and appointment counter, i asked if i can request for an additional ultrasound even tho the doc didnt order for it. The nurse asked me what kind of scan i want. Er... how many kinds are there? I just wanna see my baby and know how much he weighs! So i just shoot with,

Me: A Growth Scan?

and got reprimanded,

Nurse: For what you want a growth scan? U already did it what.
Me: Yeah but that was like 5 weeks ago
Nurse: Aiyah no need lah. Anyways there will be another one at 37 or 38 weeks.
Me: Which is like this next appointment.
Nurse: *faltered* But in any case, the doc didnt order for it. But he will lah for the following appt, dont worry.
Me: *MENTAL ROLL EYES*


So 2 weeks from now is actually 4th March. I requested for a day earlier. 3rd Mar!! Which is our anniversary!! Fancy going to the hosp on my bday and anniversary. =D *beaming*


After that was appointment with the dietitian.


She reviewed my readings and said hmmm quite ok but noted the highest ranges for after lunch and after dinner. She almost empathized with my situation when i said its getting more and more diff to control the urge.


She saw that i had some fast food and choc milk. While she was fiercely adamant that i CANNOT ABSOLUTELY take Choc milk, she also listed some of the fast food items that i can take. And some of the things are Thin Crust Pizza of Hawaiian, curry chix flavours, meat lovers but only 2.5 pieces of the LARGE size. Hey that's MORE than i can eat anyways. =) Fillet, nuggets and DOuble Cheese burger are also ok. In fact, i can still add 1 fruit serving along with it.


The irritating part tho is Z told on me, the kaki paoto (however u spell it)!!! He told the dietitian i still eat sweet stuffs and only just now bought Kuih tart. I mean c'mon i only ate 1 piece! Teehee... i know i know he's absolutely right, i have been having the sweet stuffs. but IT'S REALLY HARD OK TO BE DEPRIVED! At least, i can still say i have some control about it. As in, i dont eat them as freely as before, surely. Humph


It was 5pm by the time we finished with our appointments. Next is our Antenatal class @ 6:30pm. We managed to squeeze in dinner and a quick visit to the temporary Tekka Wet Market for Z to buy his darling GOAT meat.

1. FC's assistant has tendered her resignation.


NOBODY, i tell u NOBODY can stand the FC lah. She has no qualms raising her voice or talking DOWN to even the CEO. ESP if she detects weakness / niceness in that person ie pple like me.


Because the asst hasnt yet finished probation period, her notice is only for a week! and we, the girls, are having lunch together later today @ secret Recipe.


It would be a happy gathering full of gossips. But for a very sad reason. We will have one less fun colleague to work with. *CRY CRY CRY*


Fortunately for her, she's found another job already


2. But we have a new French guy who started yesterday.


Both the boss and office mgr are not in, so me and the other French guy had to help out with orientation? I surprised myself by making fluid conversation with him asking How he's settling here in Spore after the weekend? He said they have trouble adjusting to the warm weather after coming from -1 degree in Paris! Their 8 month old baby is taking it badly. Coincidentally last weekend was unusual HOT for Feb.


His work station is right next to mine. So i get to hear a lot of French. It feels a bit odd cos i've always been surrounded by ladies. Also, he's rather tall so can peer into my cubicle just by craning the neck. Hmmmmm...


3. The IT guy asked me, "Are you pregnant?"


LOL... im amused that some pple still cant notice my preggy tummy immediately. Granted, he's only seen me sitting down. Yesterday he asked me to take a look at the copier why the print out is not coming.. unconsciously i rubbed my tummy to soothe the baby's kicking, that's when he noticed.


After that he was allll for excusing me from doing "heavy stuff" but i kept saying "No lah its ok no prob at all." He wont even let me stand. LOL.


No wonder my friends missed being pregnant. Pple mostly always give in to us. Like that time i was arranging to go out with a single girlfriend and she said, "Ok anywhere that's easy for u lah." Of course easy for me is Causeway Point, but then it wont feel like really going out, so i chose town anyways.


Hopefully, pictures coming soon.

This is the Baby cot Zubair bought from Kiddy Palace last week.

LATIDO red+Black colour @ S$210!

One night Syifaa' insisted on being carried into the cot despite my explanation that this is for baby and she's a BIG girl now. So in the end, we compromised that she can get in but can only sit down nicely and not jump jump around.

Zubair was not around that time. If he were, he'd definitely say cannot. I'm weak in that sense (or u can also say ine very sense). Always give in to a child's request... or rather... tantrum. hah. He can easily scare Syifaa' out of the room by GROWLING like the bear he is. hehe... and she will run away squealing.

ANYWAYs!!! the cot is taking too much of our bedroom space! I've asked Z to dismantle it first cos we had 6 weeks more to go then. It has been 1.5weeks now. Because the baby hasnt arrived yet, its the BARANG-BARANG (things) that are residing inside. GRRRRRR...

Lunch time last Week in the office proved a perspiring feat. But we still got late afternoon showers.


Over the weekend? it was like being GRILLED. and we were indoors! We can start to say bye bye to that breezy wind.


But last night was soooooooooooooooooo hot i cldnt sleep. I was in bed by 11... in between the heat, excitement over a present Zubair's received and baby's active kicking, i only managed a wink at midnight but came awake again sweating an hour later.


Took another hour to fall back to sleep and woken up at 4am. This time, too cold with the aircon and ceiling fan on as well as the standing fan not 1 metre away with no blanket.


So much so that i woke up this morning at 7:25am!!!!!! when we should have hit the road LATEST 7:35am.


=( i dont like being late.


Note to self: sleep earlier.

I boarded the bus to my antenatal class @ KK.

No. 57 single decker with only 4 seats on lower ground but ample space for standing passengers as well as wheelchairs. It was crowded.

2 Elderly Nyonyas boarded the bus somewhere from Fu Lou Shou Complex with bags of groceries. It had been raining and they had their umbrella sticks with them.

One of them was standing in front of me and suddenly raised her umbrella wanting to put it onto this empty panel as high as my ear level (remember i was sitting down) to my left. Somehow, she didnt quite get the aim right and actually poked my arm!!

I somewhat glared questioningly at the aunty as if to say, "HUH???" And she made a half sincere apologetic smile. I bet she didnt know i was pregnant and resented that i was sitting down. In retrospect, she could have hit my tummy by mere inches ok!!! Then Zubair would regret and feel guilty ALL his entire livelihood for not being there for me. HA HA HA... lol... Anyways, I didnt give up my seat because im selfish and i was afraid i'd fall. The driver was rather violent that day.

As i was about to alight, i almost almost almost wanted to tell this 40+ Malay guy to give up his seat for the aunties. Before i could muster enough courage, the bus had stopped and i alighted.

Wed 11th Feb 09

Again i was the first one in. The Instructor was a first timer - excited yet inexperienced. So the "lecture" was a bit boring and took longer time to finish.

Today is the overview of the whole process.

So there are 3 stages of labour

1. First Stage - Contractions

2. Second Stage - Delivery of Baby

3. Third Stage - Delivery of Placenta

Early contractions, the instructor told us, would normally come by the hour for 10 - 20seconds. But as time passes, It will come in shorter and shorter gaps yet more intense. Something like every 5 min that lasts for 1min.

To cope with the pain, it is good for the spouse or birthing partner to know where to rub the aching body parts, to learn the breathing and relaxation exercises which is the topic for next week's lesson. I begged and begged and begged Zubair to come for just this one most imp topic and he said ok he will try to arrange. Let's hope he could really make it.


I heard gasps when the instructor clicked for the next slide on 2nd stage of delivery. I was wearing specs but still cldnt quite figure out what the picture is but i quickly trained my eye on the drawing instead of the REAL picture before i turn jelly all over!


This is the part when she said that we will have the room to ourselves in the delivery suite with a couch for the spouse to rest. She reminded the husbands to bring along sweaters because it will be very cold in there. While they provide blankets for the mummies, they cant give for the guys.


She also said to make sure the husbands have dinner if it seems to be a long haul. This is because the shops near KK close very early... but i think Z will have no problem walking to Lil India where its a 24hrs food haven as we usually do after check ups.


The other thing is really Guys dont hafta show ur machoness. If you think you can stand looking at the blood, please dont look. Because if you faint, and worse if u knock your head after seeing the goriness of it all, nobody has the time to attend to you until AFTER the team has settled mother and baby.


Lastly, Birthing partners please have some rest in between contractions or when the wife is dozing off. Dont act so gung-ho else you might be too tired you'd miss the actual delivery. This has ever happened before!!


A new thing i learnt is the position of the perenium. All this while i thought its a horizontal cut when it is actually vertical. Its the space between the V and the Anus. *shudder* The nurse actually described how the docs will decide to cut or not. Its when the area is stretch too thin it would become so white and like about to burst. so before it cracks, better to cut it clean. Jelliness!


The actual Labour - where u start pushing i think - should take only between 30min - 1.5hrs. Any longer, the gynae will hafta think of some kind of intervention. Forcep, Vacuum or c-Sect. Even after she explained, i can't imagine how this forcep thing works. Do i dare to research more by googling for its image? Maybe not. Vacuum ok its a lil cup on the head on the baby that they will pull slightly to tug/encourage it out with the next contraction.


Next she explained the Pain Relieves available at KK Hospital. There are 3: Pethidine, Gas, Epidural.


Pethidine is a drug that they will jab at the thigh. Only relieves 60% of the pain and not advisable if delivery is expected within the next 3 hours. This is because this drug has effect on mother n baby such that both will become drowsy. And if Baby is borned within 3hrs after taking the drug, baby might be sleeping n not able to cry n exercise the lung. HOWEVER, there is an antidote to reverse this effect.


GAS to me seems the safest option. A mix of Nitrogen (if im not wrong) and Oxygen, u only need to breathe in deeply with the next contraction and it will be effective in 10 - 20 secs. No effect on baby.


EPIDURAL is the last resort with 100% of the pain gone. She said the procedure to get this epidural will take about 20mins or so... i was wondering what if there's a contraction in between??? Will the needle go astray when we squirm? You can actually choose to stop the epidural when u need to start pushing but u can also have it thru out. I sincerely hope i wont hafta come to this.


I had to ask my friend the next day how does the delivery suite look like. I had the impression that we would be delivering in a communal room just like a ward with 4 other pple inside! Cos i remember my mum telling me she could hear other women screaming. But maybe those were old times. So i imagined this suite is like for private patients and not for subsidised ones like me. Then how more private can a PRIVATE delivery suite be? *looks at Ma* hehehe


Also my concern is that, do i hafta continue covering my head? Doctors and nurses are excused of course... but i was afraid there might be some pple who got lost n peered inside... or if i would need to walk out to go to the toilet... My friend assured me tho that its all in the one room.


This friend also told me that she didnt hafta fork out any cash at all for her hospital stay even tho she had an epidural for the first one and a C-Sect for the second one. She also went thru Polyclinic like i am. Although i still have yet to confirm with the hospital, I felt sooooooo relieved! I'd take it to mean that even if somehow the rules have changed a bit, can't be too high.


I was told to prepare $2k or more just for hospital expenses. Some for deposit, and then additional charges that Medisave cannot cover and the fees escalate when u take more and more services.

Do i dare to breathe a sigh of relief? Ok just a bit. But still need to keep that money on standby lah! But at least im hoping there won't need to use it so i could spend it on getting more baby stuffs. Yayyness!!

RecClub decided to celebrate Valentine's Day by showing our love to the community.


Something like what Singtel has done. With each heart origami that the employees of this company lovingly fold, $0.50 will be donated to our assigned charity. Our target is to get 1,000 pieces of hearts from the 300 strengths that we have.

Lovingly decorating our hearts that we're contributing as a dept

During my first visit to KK Hospital back in Dec, i also signed up for the antenatal class, which Zubair was quick to say he doesnt need.

Their next class would actually end mid of March, too near my EDD. So the kindly officer put me into some make up classes so i cld finish earlier. Even then, i didn't start straight away. I felt the first 3 lessons were too... basic since im already quite far in my pregnancy. Recommended to start at Week 16 when im already Week 29?

So finally i went to the class yesterday covering the topic, PARENTCRAFT - Caring for your own baby.

I have two families requesting for an Arabic Tutor.

1. Yew Tee. Pri 4 boy. Weekend Madrasah. Subject: Arabic

2. Woodlands Blk 531. Pri 3 Full time Madrasah.

Interested please email me.

....in my dreams!

I was brought to my school's old compound (another nightmare prone site in my mind). I can already see somebody holding my baby, but that is his spirit.

People around me were telling me to feel what's the baby trying to tell me... He seemed to be telling me that he's ready to go out but that he wants to be borned on the lawn of our reverred teacher who lives across the road. So i painstakingly walked over the few metres and delivered. Because I was in that compound, the reverred teacher "forgave" my labour pains and i didnt feel no Ring of Fire that i was waiting for.


Scary... seems like im on the verge of being shirik. *shudder* Worse is this guy came back into my life saying he was sorry that he was ready to accept me and baby. Huh?? How did he suddenly come into my unconscious mind?


Now in the office, pondering on the dream, i feel weird. And scared.

1. It just struck me that i'll be experiencing extreme labour pains in under 2months if im lucky. Having actually "delivered" the baby in that dream, i cant imagine the fear on the REAL DAY. Often pple described it as sooo painful you thought you were gonna die.


2. I've known this before already but it just slapped me on the face again as a result from this dream that after i gave birth, i hafta take care of this little person and i have no clue how to!! And im worried how i will take in this Overwhelming feeling of love.


I realise its not just about pretty clothes and cute faces. There will be a lot of pain and emotions going on. Nice though Butterflyrubric's latest entry about the anecdotes of her son's first week, it made me feel even weirder. Cos Im not used to loving nor taking care of anybody else more than myself. Haha. And i'm especially worried i'd be all alone, nobody cares enough to stay with me the whole entire time.

Zubair's watch beeped 5am.

I had been tossing and turning for the past hr having had no sleep the whole night save from 12 - 2am. Finally, i got into a nice sitting position to sleep.

The watch beeped again. It's 6am now. and my neck strained from the crooked angle and i decided to let myself sink into deep sleep for another hour. BIG MISTAKE.

I got into a dream where i was flying on a small open platform (imagine Mary Poppins) over oceans with small islands dotted below. Must have been the result from surfing about a resort vacation all of yesterday morning. However, i felt fear. Fear of falling and drowning. Fear of being alone because not one being was in sight.

The platform descended. Ah! People, at last! A lot of them. Seemed like a tribal event was hot in session. All Males. When i landed... they crowded around me. I feared indecent acts and ran for it.

There you are guys! My best friends. I saw clearly Fit, Nul, Mah, Hid and Zi and half of Nan. You guys were chiding me for being late but were all talking animatedly all at once giving me no chance to tell you of the dangerous journey i've just had.

But i was also late for work bcos im soooo tired from lack of sleep. I was also irritated with Z about something and not talking to him and so left to get ready before i get fired. That's when i saw my friends hurrying off into the space shuttle (which was actually my old house's toilet - i told you there's a spooky part of the house hanging around in my head) before i could join them. Only 5 pax could fit into the "taxi", they said.

That's when I couldn't take it anymore! I dont belong anywhere! Nobody understands me! Then a vacuum tried to suck me into that void space. Into a dream world of everlasting nightmares and unconscious awareness.

I screamed for somebody. I felt a hand. I knew it was his. I was still angry with him but i took it anyways. Anything to escape the Bermuda Triangle of nothingness. I was pulling myself up into reality when i realised i had awoken to a dream still. and the menace and still trying to take me down!

NOW i screamed for real. I screamed like i was hurt. The kind of scream i voiced when i got a muscle cramp. I heard mummy knocking on the door and Z trying to calm me down. When i realised im back to reality, I broke down and cried. Its as though Fate has not tortured me enough in the day but also had to mess in my dreams.

I felt soooo tired i wanted to sleep forever. I didnt even care if i got back into the nightmare, at least its not exactly real. But i didnt wanna call in sick either. Getting up and about no matter how tired I am felt more compelling than being stuck at home with a sack of depression weighing me down.

In the office, i researched some dreams interpretation at dreammoods.com, and realised that im feeling super vulnerable, that i should be standing up for myself. At the same time, i have fear. Fear of change.
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The one and only funny side to this nightmare is when ayah asked if i had a nightmare because he was afraid i was going into early labour!!

Everytime i yawn, cough and cry... i feel something is strangling my throat.

I can picture that when im at the peak of contractions, my throat will just close in on me and cut off the oxygen.

I'm deeply sorry my baby if i dont live to see you. I will pray people won't mistreat you and i dont doubt my family will take good care of you.

It was irresponsible of me to have conceived you when we were not stable yet, causing a slew of problems that have resulted in my current health and emotional condition. But believe me, I already love you a lot. Too much maybe that its clouding my decisions.

Just wanna let you know that i enjoyed watching u move in my tummy. Esp that day when u showed me your feet, remember? They really looked like a ball circling the edges of my tummy! And when i contract my tummy to get up from a lying position, i can see the shape of your body (altho technically its the waterbag)!

If Allah thinks its my time to leave, so be it. I resolve to be spiritually prepared for it though i'm already feeling suicidal anyways. Not enough to cut my own hand like somebody had alleged that i did, but enough to lose hope that things will look up. Nonetheless promise me, my child, that you will be His good servant.

I hope to meet you in Heaven. I love you.