The Original Juice

It was on my birthday on 22nd Dec last year when I finally finally decided enough was enough. I am not letting Tufeil any of milk anymore! Don't mention about the pain and discomfort and lack of sleep from his 2 hourly snack through the night, but its more for both our mental well being, I imagine. LOL

Anyway, we just came back from our Turkish/Spanish holiday and were terribly jetlagged. I took one day urgent leave that was followed by the Xmas long weekend to recover from it. And so I thought, let's kill two birds with one day and take this opportunity to wean Tufeil off.

Firstly, was to get a change of scene. Me and Tufeil slept with my mum in her room while my dad had to sleep in mine. For the first 3 nights he didn't sleep till 3am. Dad helped to entertain him and mum helped to shush him when he woke up. He tossed and turned tossed and turned but finally he was too tired and fell asleep. If he woke up and cried for milk i just kept telling him "Mummy's milk is sick" and he would understand.

On the 4th night, we graduated back to our own room. He went to sleep watching videos from the computer. Luckily I have a wireless mouse so i could still lay down with him while at the same time click Replay on whatever is his favourite Youtube video of the moment. Initially I thought that its better to just play a longer video / movie for him so that he can fall asleep easily because there's not much excitement of changing to the next video or whatever. But turned out the opposite is true. A short video of say... 3 min is most ideal because it remains exciting even if you replay 5 times and usually by the 5th time, Tufeil would have fallen asleep.

I was a bit worried that school was about to reopen and his sleeping pattern was still not corrected. But the day before we went out and he got so tired he slept early. and by early i meant 12mn. And then slowly after the first week, his bedtime crept earlier and earlier till now he sleeps at 9.30pm back to usual timing before being weaned off. However, at this point of writing, he's been waking up at around midnight, cried like crazy just as I was about to go to sleep too that I couldn't pacify him. He let himself out, cried at the hallway waiting for my mum to open her room door and slept with her. Although I was relieved to not have to listen to him cry... i found myself not able to sleep without him on the bed with me =( It's been two nights like this. I hope it gets better.

Yes, I totally feel disconnected ever since I stopped breastfeeding him. In good times, i would bear hug him, tickle him senseless and everything but once he started crying, i just switched off. I don't know why he just won't be pacified by me and want his grandparents instead. But then again, kids are clever, they know how to play you. For eg: Tufeil, at bathtime, if it's my mum who brought him to the toilet, who would cry asking for me. And if it was me, he would ask for my mum. Aiyoooo!!

Anyways, immediately following the successful weaning, I had to work late a couple of nights and didn't really get to spend time with him. And our bond, to me, grew distant. When he was having fever, I thought, "Nahh it's ok... my mum can help to take care of him" I did not feel the urgency or need to be with my sick son. Is there something wrong with me? To be clear, i did take childcare leave on the 3rd day and he got well soon after.

So for the record, Tufeil was 2yrs 9 months old when he finally weaned off the Bmilk.

I think he takes after me in being OCD about arranging stuffs. I noticed how when he's putting away his crayons, he would put each and every one of them on the upright position. He would painstakingly turn the crayon if its upside down before putting it in.

Other than that, he can recognise the number 1. Ok maybe it's associated with one of his blocks that's in the shape of 1 but I reckon he can recognise it in other forms too. Shall test it tonight.

He also has a good palate. When I feed him some pasta, I don't tell him what's inside. After his first bite, he would say, "Hmmm ada (there's) mushroom!" or "ada (there's) sausage!" Well ok, so far, its just those two that he would express delight in discovering in his mouth. But I believe he can be a great cook or even a chef when he grows up. IF he starts eating his vegetables, that is. He follows me in terms of food choice too! And that's not good, baby!

I'm not sure if I'm imagining it or what but Tufeil seems quite restless when he suckles at night. He ever said, "Nak lagi nak lagi..." Even though I WAS giving to him. if its the weekend and we sleep a little later and he would still be drinking in bed, he would give up and tell me he wants some Chocolate Milk, instead. I think my supply is extremely low now. I really really NEED to wean him off completely but totally dreading it. Bah!

Monday, 7th March,

Following the late Karaoke session, Ash and I came home to an empty house. Mum and dad were out for class and Ly volunteered to help look after Tufeil. And because Mum was gonna send him there also the next morning, she thought T should just spend the night at her place.

I was elated and nervous at the same time! This would be the first time in his lifetime for tufeil to be away from me for a WHOLE night. Actually, I'm not so worried for HIM but more for my sister. I mean can he handle it if Tufeil cries uncontrollable when he doesn't get BM? Or when he wakes up every 2 hours?

My initial intention was to sleep over at her house and go to work from there. But because I reached home like 11pm, and would need another hour or so to settle down and pack my bag, i thought, why dont I give it a shot?

The next day I found out that my concerns were non-existent! He played and played and played with his cousin Syifaa' and they didn't get to bed till almost 11pm. Ly reported that he only asked "Mana Nenek?" and "mana Mummy?" a couple of times and when told that Nenek went for class and Mummy at work, he accepted it. He just played with Ly's iPhone and before she knew it, he was asleep.

And the next time Tufeil came awake was at 7am and he just played w the iPhone somemore and fell right back to sleep. that's like a solid 8 hours straight! MIRACULOUS!! I suspect that he prolly came awake during the light sleep cycle a few times, but because I wasn't there and he cldn't see Ly who was on the floor while he was on the bed, he fell right back to sleep. This is only in theory.

the next day, he slept another 3 hours at noon. WOW.

Er... can I put him there the entire week and he came back weaned? That way, I don't really hafta spend money to travel for a week for the same mission ie trying to get him off BF.

Wishful thinking on my part. So since mum and dad are going for Umrah and I'd be home for 10 straight days with T, I decided to start the training then. At least, I wouldn't bother and be bothered if T cries for long. Shall report it soon, insya'Allah. Pray it wouldn't be too hard for me, my friends.

Sat, 19th Feb 2011

Since mum & dad were going to Melaka for day trip, I took the opportunity to call my SWPH friends over. The last time we met was probably during Eid (around Aug?) last year.

I was very nervous because this would be the first time i played host single handedly and with a toddler in tow, a first time I'll be letting friends eat my cooking and I still had to manage Tufeil's non-BM afternoon nap. Thankfully I didn't hafta do any housework since Mum's called my aunty to clean the day before.

I was gonna make my signature dish = Beef Meatloaf + mashed Potatoes and Bread Pudding for dessert. To be on the safe side, I prepared what I could the night before: 1.5kg of mashed potatoes; browned the onion and fresh mushrooms, boiled carrots, blended bread to make breadcrumbs, and started to make the sauce to glaze on top of the meatloaf.. that's when I realised we ran out of tomato sauce! Imagine if I only realised at the last minute on the day itself and had to run out to the store while the guest was arriving?

In any case, the day started at 8.30am for me. After shower n bfast, i took Tufeil out for a little walk to the playground and to the nearby shop. The other thing I was nervous about was Tufeil screaming "nak keluar nak keluar" (wanna go out!) after being cooped up at home for too long, hence the walk. I didn't even hafta buy the tomato sauce cos mum bought otw home last night.

It was 11.15am, and I was on track w my cooking. The meatloaf is already in the oven and should be ready in the next 60min, then another about 10-15min for it to cool before slicing. Nisa said she would be arriving around 1.15pm, so I had enough time to put T to sleep without BF-ing. I considered to give him an off day today and not practise no BF, to make sure he can sleep so I have time to prepare the food in order. In the end, decided against it cause it'd be such a waste to let go of the "training".

I spent 1hr trying to get him to sleep. He didn't want me to carry and rock him like the previous weekend. I guess it was still too early and he wasnt not extremely exhausted that he didn't care. So we ended up watching youtube on the bed. I kept telling him "susu at night". and then twice, he was nearly there in dreamland when he turned towards me and then he remembered the milk and asked for it. When I said no he kicked up a fuss. Great. It was already 1pm but he still wasn't sleeping. I gave up and asked if he wanted to eat instead and he leapt out of the bed.

So when Nisa & son Sameer came and entertained Tufeil, I rushed to the kitchen to make the drinks, prepare cutleries and make the bread pudding in such a rush! Sorry!

Sat 12th Jan 2011 (22.5 months)

The day started with vacuuming and mopping while Ayah entertained the Kiddo. It was almost noon when Mum suggested we go to the beach for playground time and lunch. I had to decline because I was filthy and still had a few things to do.

But they were gone for so long, I managed to watch 2hours of Australia (its 2hr 40min long). When they came back at 2pm, I was glad to know tt T still hadn't napped yet. Showered him and told him its nap time but Susu will only be there at night. I carried him standing and put his head on my shoulder, patting him while playing the Mukhlis DVD (10 songs followed by karaoke version).

He was quiet and about to go off to DreamLand i think but unfortunately, the DVD stopped after 3 songs. I had to scramble to play it again and with the actions, he got alert and asked for Elmo DVD, changed it, then he cried Tak Nak Elmooo (Don't want Elmo)... Nak Susu... I explained... and changed back to Mukhlis ensuring its in the middle track. And he was out in 10min. No problem laying him down on the bed...

I think we are off on a good start BUT... My back and arms hurt a lot!! I finished another 35min of Australia and wanted to go down for a nap too but the moment I hit the bed, he woke up. DANG IT! Only half-heartedly tried to console him. Because I knew he won't be able to go back to sleep without the Susu.

So Ayah took over and brought him down to the playground. When they returned about half an hour later, Ayah's drilled into T No more Susu! If anybody asked him, "Nak susu mummy?" He would adamantly say TAK NAK. But when I asked him... he would falter... and repeat nak susu mummy. LOL.

Nevermind. I give him 3 weekends at home to let him get used to the idea of no daytime susu even when I'm home first. In March, we'll start to wean off the night feeds lah. Insya'Allah...

Anyway, after maghrib, we went to Jurong Point for dinner at Sakura and grocery shopping.

I wasn't actually all GUNG-Ho about Breastfeeding. I just did it because my friends were and they said it's convenient and all the other benefits... Although I had struggled in the beginning, it suddenly stayed in the scene until now that Tufeil is 23 months old.

Weaning has been on my mind for a veryyyyyy long time. God knows I really want my body back!!! It's getting quite IRRITATING to the point that I sometimes RESENT him. I don't know how many times I had googled for tips and information about weaning a toddler. I read the articles so many times already. but I haven't actually got the guts to do anything about it yet.

Mostly because, I can't stand Tufeil crying. Scratch that. I don't care if he cries (in the name of weaning) for the first few nights, I don't want other people in the house to get flustered by it. And I feel I don't have the support to exercise some of the suggested tips, namely, let another person tuck the kid to bed.

To back it up a little, I totally feel Tufeil is ready to be weaned. For one, he showed total comprehension when I explained to him and kept repeating, "Susu kat rumah" (Milk's at home) when we were out and about and he wanted it. The problem with that explaination is, once we got home, he's stacking claim on it right away! And it wouldn't be right to refuse since technically we were already home.

So I've changed my tactic. My reasoning is now "Nak tido baru susu" (Milk just before sleep). So the last couple of WORK days, it's worked so far. I hadn't caved in but waited till bedtime. Distracted him with going out for dinner, reading and general playing till 9pm.

What I'm afraid is when I'm at home on the weekends and its his NAP TIME. How the hell do i put him to nap without the aid of BM??? None of my research detailed this particular obstacle. I can't go out and walk him in the stroller everyday now, can i??

I do have a fantasy of going off ALONE to Batam or somewhere for a weekend so Tufeil is forced to sleep without the Milk. And when I come home, I will just steel myself and say NO. or preferably, the Grandparents will continue to put him to sleep for a couple more nights and then WA LA, he's weaned! But I can't impose on them...

The pump that had served me for 18months has gone to retirement. It was quite accidental that day was.

I returned a bit late from lunch that fateful Tuesday 28th September 2010. So I thought, "Ok I can pump later at 3 or 4pm." But work caught up to me and I was engrossed doing something until I totally forgot about it.

The next day, I was busy too at work and afterwards I went out with my colleagues. It was close to 10pm when Tufeil finally drank from me. And I didn't feel anything with regards to soreness or what.

Even before these two days, I had been tweeting my thoughts, "Why the hell am i still pumping at work when Tufeil absolutely refuses to drink expressed Breastmilk?" Back then, I didn't wanna stop still cause I was afraid I might feel lost at work without anything "extra" to do. In honesty, it was a 20min reprieve from work.

But after those 2 days of lapses, I felt lazier and lazier and never touched my pump since! But I left the equipment here in the office. Just in case.

You know how I feel about it now? Liberated. I feel FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. hahaha

I had been planning to go to the gym during lunch time. But now the previous gym-going boss has left the company, I'm not sure what's the view of this new guy. PLUS, its gonna cost me $90 per month, so I'm still stalling.

But the next thing to look forward to is to totally wean him from Breastmilk so I can start taking slimming pills or whatever ya know.

By the way, I saw Desperate Hosuewives Season 2 Epi 15 or so a few nights ago and there was this lady who was BFing her 5 year old and claimed that she could still eat a lot of donuts and maintain a slim figure because of it. Well i say BS! It didn't work for me after 12 months! The moment Tufeil turned 1 year old, I started to steadily gain more and more weight till now I feel like a balloon. I feel worse when I look at pictures of my slim self from a year ago. T_T

It's been almost two weeks since Tufeil has drunk any Expressed Breastmilk (hereafter known as EBM). But he still nurses the moment i step into the house and throughout the night.

I kept pumping 70ml x 2 per day. During Ramadhan, I even started to pump TWICE (at 12nn and 5pm) because I was afraid the supply might dip. But my frozen stock continues to grow and grow as Tufeil simply refuses to drink any.

It's a bit worrying because he isn't given any other source of liquid calcium. Part of the problem is he likes to spit out when he's drinking and if its VitaSoy or worse Fresh Milk, it would get sticky and Mum is very averse to the latter.

Most working nursing mothers have problem with their supplies. Me, I have problem with my baby drinking it! Ish Tufeil! There's only one other friend who experiences the same and told me that she stopped pumping at 18months and gave her baby alternatives like Dates juice, apple juice and fresh milk.

Tufeil is 17 months now. Should I stop pumping? I feel sad if I do cause i enjoy pumping. It's like having a cigarette break. LOL.

Another question still: What do I do with the almost 15pkts of frozen milk supply? Sure I can use some to cook... The rest of my family member puked at the tot of eating it tho *looks pointedly at Ash* But its A LOT of milk!

I've been thinking of giving some to other babies. But the concern is, then my son and that baby could become siblings. If that baby's a boy and one day I have a baby girl, there might be a problem if they happen to like each other, ya know.

So what do i do??

Fri the 13th or 3rd of Ramadhan was my first day of fast.

What can I say but soooooo glad that it was a friday. Just one day of work before the weekend hits because I was sooooooooooooooooooooo super duper sleepyyyyyyyyyy.

The day started like this:

I woke up at 5am for sahur. We were shocked out of our body when we suddenly saw Tufeil out of the room door and crying towards me. I lost 15min of precious eating time putting him back to sleep. Only to have him wake up not 30min later and refusing to let me go for the next hour. And he woke up when I had to get dressed for work.

But I'm also glad to report that the hunger pang was not-existent. My tummy behaved better when I'm fasting than when I'm not. Just the day before I was eating lunch and snacks in between but it was still grumbling needing to be fed. LOL. PLUS having guzzled a litre of water in the morning, and kept my mouth closed mostly, I was not thirsty.

I DID take an hour nap during "lunch time". It was great. I was even armed with jacket PLUS shawl cos when you're fasting, you just lose body heat.

Milk supply maintained at 120ml. I had to pump twice at 12nn and at 5pm just before clocking out.

At maghrib, I barely got to eat at the stroke of azan because Tufeil was asking for more and more food. Made a mental note to start feeding him first BEFORE 7.16pm.

Time was just flying all over the place. By the time we finished eating and praying and cleaning up, it was almost 8.30pm. Then put Tufeil down to sleep, isya' and everything.. I find myself in bed past 11pm. THAT'S SUPER LATE by my standard. I think this week I really hafta let go of Hell's Kitchen and hit the sack by 9.30 or 10pm LATEST!

Ever since that time when he got sick then i got sick and only worked 1 day in a week, Tufeil has been refusing most of his eBM. This was some 2 weeks ago.

The week after that, he went out with his cousin a lot during the day so we didn't really worry about the much decreased milk intake. But last week, it got really worrying. He pushed away his bottles vehemently.

I suggested for Mum to use the Fast Flow teat i bought or maybe try FM. But mum said that he cant even look at the bottle. So maybe give in a cup? Nah, mum said, she's terrified (geli?) of milk.

So i tried to google some answers. It was difficult to find the same scenario online. Mostly the babies are <12months whereas Tufeil is 15months now. What i've found quite applicable are:

1. Change bottle / teats to the most natural one
2. Change to SIPPY CUP. Big boys dont drink from bottle anymore <<-- but i hafta disagree cos my niece Syifaa' still drinks from bottle.
3. Decrease his Solid intake.

I already bought him a new bottle and Tommy Tippee's teat as well as Mothercare's Sippy Cup. Alhamdulillah he took to the latter very well. He had another sippy cup, you know the one with a thick spout to suck from but it was too much for him. This cup is not non-spill and is very flat and narrow so it was easy for him to drink from it. But so far i've used this for drinking water.

It so happened that last friday, we really ran out of food for both Adults and baby. No bread no rice no nothing. I was on leave but had an appointment for awhile and was supposed to buy Tufeil's lunch. Unfortunately, i got delayed and wasn't back for almost 2 hours. Tufeil at home must have gotten real hungry and finally drank his milk!! YIPPEEEEE!!

Yesterday was Monday and Mum reported that he didn't drink ANY of his milk either but that he slept a total of 3hours worth of nap. I didnt ask about how much food he had. I assumed he ate a lot.

Should I worry about this? I wanted to wean him off BM anyways. Maybe I'll get mum to make Formula milk in that new bottle or sippy cup. HMMMM....

My Period-Free Days, that is.

1.5 weeks ago, i tweeted about thinking i'm ovulating and then suddenly it's here! I wasn't sure at first, cos it was just a speck or two of red, so i prayed zohr anyway. Oh God, I hope I had not caused Your wrath.

It's been a day now, and its still very tiny little with no pain whatsoever, which is just the opposite of my pre-baby periods. I'm hoping it will last till this Friday for my company's Dinner & Dance! Ameen! Cos being a RecClubber, I hafta be there from 12nn - 11pm! *faint*

Ok so.. I was pregnant for 10months... Then confinement 2 months, then up to today a total of 20 months of missed periods. Whoaw...

Now with regards to BreastFeeding...

I had been expressing 3 times a day and got 3.5 bottles while Tufeil drinks 3. and the 0.5 bottle is so irritating in which, if i mix it with another day's supply, Tufeil won't drink it! So to eliminate wastage, I've decided to adjust my pumping times. I'll be skipping the 8.30am slot and push it to just before lunch at 11.30 and another session at 5pm just before leaving work. Which will also mean i dont hafta pump at home with the toddler bugging me to "tatih" (hold his hands to walk).

Formula Milk Samples have also started to arrive. Ok so far only 2 Mamil Gold (Dumex) and Enfa Baby or something MeadJohnsons. While i actually have 8 more packets of frozen eBM, i thought it might be wise to have some samples on hand for emergency. hahah. Well it IS funny, because the actual truth is, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP BF-ing MY BABY!

Ok actually to stop is easy, just change to formula milk and ur supply will dry up. But the issue is actually... How to send Tufeil to sleep WITHOUT nursing him???

There had been two times when he followed mum to a class at mosque and after tossing and turning in mum's lap, he suddenly fell asleep on his own. Well that's a good sign BUT my mum tried the some technic at home just lying around in bed, he won't be fooled! He pointed to his glider in which he sleeps. So naturally, i would think that he'd demand be nursed to sleep... Sighh... Need to read up on this i guess...

Another question is : Do i really want to change to Formula Milk and not Fresh Milk? From what i read, Fresh Milk is not enough for growing babies. I think it said under 2yo. But what some of my friends are doing are SUPPLEMENTING from BM and daily meals with Fresh Milk, so i suppose that is just as good if not better since its cheaper! haha.

So yah.. another food for thought.

Ok gotta go. Got meeting the whole afternoon, so need to clear my work this morning. Ta~

Just as i thought to myself, i shall write here that there;s nothing to report, Tragedy Struck!

Ok i'm being a bit over dramatic.

But I simply hate being late for work. And that although i reached office this morning earlier than the past 2 week average, ie at 8:10 am, i ended up being grossly late!

Because i realised that i forgot the pump unit! AGAIN! I brought all the bottles and everything but the machine itself was left at home. And i can easily imagine why. Because i haven't been pumping when i get home for quite a long time that when i started this week, i didn't pack it back into my bag and it was left on my desk. *Pull hair!!*

And so i quickly called Ayah who had just dropped me off to come and pick me up again. Luckily he was still in town area. Then we dropped Ayah off at the office and i drove back home. I cldn't imagine reaching office with severe tardiness and still excuse myself to pump so i smsed Mummy to say that im coming and tt i'll b feeding Tufeil so she won't heat up a bottle or put him to sleep yet.

So i finally reached office embarassed at 10.15am! After parking the car at Ayah's office and taking a cab down to mine from there.

I can already imagine them thinking, "What a careless girl, Julissa is. Always forgetting her pump. How long do we have to give her face. Excuse her little breaks. How long does she want to pump for?"

I realise i don't have anything to say for myself as it's totally my fault. Forgetful young me. At least, its the first time in the whole of this yr~ haha.

Friday, 22nd Jan 09 (9 3/4months old)


That was the day we decided to send Tufeil to the hospital.


I had noticed that he started coughing from Mon / Tues when Syifaa' was sick too.


Wed, i woke up to get dressed to work because i had a RecClub Thank You lunch with the French CEO they were going for Pagi Sore esp for me the only Muslim in the committee. But after much thought, i think i didnt wanna risk it. Esp cos mummy was not feeling quite well also though she told me she was ok.


So instead, we went for Bfast at McDonalds, and i walked to Baby Bear. (Ok this feels like De javu, i think i've written about this alr but what the heck...) He was given Zyrtec drop, nose drop, the runny nose oral drops and a white liquid for his cough n phlegm. Each time i hafta employ Mummy's help to administer the drugs as i can't bring myself to hold him tightly amidst his strong struggles. I'm weak in that sense.

Thank you to Mummy for skipped classes for Tufeil.

>But i do agree that his lingering phlegm is quite disconcerting. So that's y i was glad when the next day Syifaa' had another high fever, Mummy brought Tufeil to see the GP too. Mum said he looked at the meds we were given and shook his head. This time around he gave antibiotics and to lay off them peaches.

Half day and one dose later, Alhamdulillah, he seems A LOT better. Cough is still there but not too much. He had a slightly better sleep prolly waking up only every hour or 1.5hr (and this is quite normal too!) as opposed to .5 hr.

I pray that it'll all clear up soon! So he can start drinking my eBM otherwise... i'll just hafta sell them! Ahahahah

Tufeil is 9.5months old and he is still 100% breastfed.

When Tufeil started solids at 6months, it seemed that i expressed 1/2 bottle more than he needed. Cos he startd to refuse milk preferring biscuits. I saw my frozen supplies stacked up little by little. But i continued on expressing as much as i could - bearing in mind at that point i was in pain from plugged ducts.

Afterwards, I began to accept the fact that my baby prefers right side to the other. and therefore when pumping, i get 80 and 30mls respectively. From then on, when i began to relax.. things started to feel better, i suppose.

Then the 1month leave from work kicked in. no more pumping. just direct feeding! What a relief!

In Perth, i started giving him 3 meals a day though still consisting of just fruit and some pasta. A meal = 3 cubes. I also noticed one plug totally gone.

I prepared myself with the thought that my milk supply will dwindle to suit his needs now. And i worry if my left would release as much as demand commands when i pump back at work. However, in my mind i told myself, "It's ok... if not enough just supplement with the frozen, or mix with next day's or just stuff him more fruit! haha" and chanting "Only 3 more months to go till 1 yr"

True enough, now he drinks 80ml x 4 bottles (as opposed to 100ml x 4). Even then sometimes he cannot finish or even refuse it altogether! So far, i've managed to keep up to demand. May even want to continue till 2 years if its not too troublesome.

But my question is... what happens after Year 1 and Year 2? Supply will become even lesser in Year 1... When we stop in year 2, does that mean the baby doesn't drink milk anymore? Do we start on Formula or just regular milk like... HL and the like from the carton? If the former, wouldn't it shock the toddler to suddenly drink 250ml of FM when he was drinking just 50ml of ebm?

Hmmmm *scratch head*

Tues, 15th Dec 09. (8 3/4 months old)


We woke up at 5.30am and left the house slightly after 6.30am where the MaxiCab was waiting.

Checking in took a SUPER DUPER LONG time. Mainly because we had some problem with the name order for Syifaa's visa. only 20min before take off did we manage to clear and went in. Rushed as hell with no time to go to Terminal 3 for sightseeing.

The last day before my 2 week break, i forgot the actual pump unit and took urgent half day to go back and express.

Now, the very day i came back it's the bottle and funnel's turn to be forgotten!! Hmmm i do still have some leave but Ash n i tot that it's not appropriate for me to go off as we're packing and unpacking for the office move. I contemplated buying a new pair from mothercare nearby, also to rent a better unit from a shop at United Square.... In the end, i took a cab, went home popped up for 3 mins and zipped thru town with a damage of $40. Hmmm i suppose that's the cheapest alternative.

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Tufeil had his first fever last sun, 6th Dec at 8.5months. We automatically deduced its due to the teething phase.

That Sunday i was home but did nothing much except for sponging him a couple of times and did not turn on the aircon and cover him fully in comforter at night.

When Monday came and i had to go in to the office, Ly said his temperature went up and gave him paracetamol. As a result, he was very cranky at home, didn't drink his milk except for a few sips... preferring Baby Bites and porridge and nodding off at the high chair!

Tuesday he was the same. He refused dinner when i gave him that night. and was yawning away. i wrapped up with another dose of meds and nursed him in bed. he was heady but refused to let me go. and then, like with a snap of a finger, he suddenly got up and wanted to play. Fever's totally gone.

Alhamdulillah.

But he's been getting bouts of blocked nose. That's really troublesome since he depends on suckling to get to sleep but he can't bcos he can't breathe when mouth is full and so he can't sleep. I resorted to nose drops, walking to other rooms, turned off the fan totally and letting him play for a few minutes. That took like an hour. And he finally went back to sleep.

Nowadays he would even be in his tummy but still suckle. weird position, i say! Tak tersedak ke?


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I looked chubbier than usual in my recent pictures right? Well That's cause i've put on some 2kg at least! At home, i was perpetually hungry. I dont know how to satiate my hunger! I constantly need some sweet chocolatey dessert to feel at ease.

Staying at home didn't help things as i like to nap when T naps. and usually that's like... after lunch! Yikes!

I shall resolve to stick to sandwich lunch when i get back to work after Xmas.

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To most of my colleagues, they are surprised i'm still breastfeeding the 7.5month old babe. But compared to my 6 other besties and other friends, 2 yrs is the way to go and to me that seems a loonggggggggggg stretch to go!

If you recall i had a lactation consultant called in a lil more than a month ago to correct the latching position and to pop the plugged ducts. Yes, plural.

I'd like to think that the latching position is resolved. Well, at least i know that i dont have to just bear with the pain when he's suckling. I simply just have to detach and relatch. Every now and then, the after pain would sear for an hour or so. I also learnt that I should only give him the left injured side when he's truly hungry and won't be feeding playfully.

When i see how he drinks from the right side though, makes me feel jealous on behalf of the left side. Why can't he latch on perfectly like that on BOTH sides?

Pumping now, i only get a miserly 30 - 40ml!!!! 50ml if i'm lucky (or patient enough to apply Breast Compression for 15min solid - with my injured left hand no less!) Seems all of my left side are injured! I dont know. Is that an indication that latching is still not proper that supply has dropped? When he drinks directly though, i can see he guzzles more than just 40ml.

There are many nights when i chant to myself, "I wanna switch to formula. I wanna switch to formula." When i get poor sleep at night because Tufeil wakes up every hour or 2 for a comfort suck, i will tire easily at work and don't feel much like pumping when at work. I just wish to sleep thru lunch time.

But with regards to sleep. Tufeil can sleep for 3 hours straight from 9 or 10pm IF i give him BOTH sides of milk. Every night, when he wakes up for his night feed, I plan to change his diaper, give him boths sides of the milk again but most of the time this plan is not carried for 2 simple reasons:

1. He's crying his lungs out. Usually he would hush when i walk about esp outside the room but i dont wanna wake the whole house.

2. I'm too sleepy myself. So i give my left side for 10 or 15min on the sitting position and bumped back to bed and if he cries, i'd give him the right side for the remaining night. Too sleepy to check how often he wakes. *shake head*

As close as i am to giving up, i haven't as yet despaired. I attribute it more to laziness and convenience rather than a hardcore Breastfeeding evangelist. *smile at Butterflyrubrics* I can't be bothered to research on formulas, i hardly have time to go shopping! I can't imagine waking up at night boiling water and mixing formulas for the babe!? Most of all, i'm afraid he might get constipated. Witnessing Syifaa' screaming at the potty is enough to make me stick to BF for now.

I shall give myself 1yr before seriously considering weaning him off BF. 2 years is too far for me to envision, so lets break it into short manageable chunks, alright?

All that said, i seriously hope that my 2 x 2 weeks break will help return my supply to good levels minus pain.

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Talking about holidays! Don't you i have so much activities planned already! I think it would hardly be a break for me! hahaha BUt i'm excited as Hell!

Firstly, tmrw we're going to the airport to send my mum off. Then should be going for lunch. I haven't decided to drive back ALONE with TUFEIL or just take the train home. I think i would hafta play by ear depending on what time is his last feed.

Mon 23rd: A Gym Date with SAHM Nan

Tues 24th: A swimming date with SWPH

Wed 25th: Free but prolly have class

Thurs 26th: Still free so prolly go to library or something

Fri 27th: Hari Raya Haji. Will go to my sister's MIL's house for lunch and play with the kids. There's a newborn baby there!

Mon 30th: Bday Bash for Fara's girls

1st and 2nd Dec: ASh would be on leave so one day we will go out prolly swimming again. another we will just hang around at home.

3rd Dec: Another date with my flexible SAHM friend.


The reason i still have 2 free weekdays is because 2nd sis will be at work and so if i wanna go out, i should bring Syifaa' and maid with me. and Driving too! i'm not confident i can manage for 4 days straight!! So keep it at 2 for now.


I've already bought tickets to Perth!! Can't wait. I even bought a travel insurance for us all. We'll be staying at an Aunt's place so we'll save on accomodation. I've been to Melbourne but i can't imagine how Perth's gonna be like. Heard its gonna be hot but cool at the same time. So we've bought a jacket or two for Tufeil in case it gets chilly.


But then again, It's only human to Plan. Ultimately it is up to the Almighty. I pray everything goes well. Ameen.

Mon, 12th Oct 09 (6months 2 weeks old)

Courtesy of two of my Besties, Hairiah and Fit, I managed to see a lactation consultant in the comfort of my room.

She came at 6pm. I beamed when she remarked how strong/tough Tufeil is sitting upright and what a lovely happy family we have at home everybody laughing away.

LC commented right away that my skin is very dry. then set about to remove the plug with a sterile needle. Again. this is the 3rd time! Sis and mum winced and squirmed, which in turn made me wary too though i didnt even glance at the needle. Actually.. the needle wasn't too painful, Tufeil's improper latch hurt more but her nails were poking at me! Ouch!

At first she told me that the duct might be OUT OF ORDER for now. But not to worry, i have plenty of other ducts to continue supply. In fact, she did remark on its abundance. So that's really one biggest worry that she had lifted for me.

After 3 months, milk in that duct has hardened. Although she kept picking at it in an effort to open it up, she didnt risk to go any deeper lest more blood and scar would occur. Told me that the skin will heal and the scab will drop on its own. (That's what i thought would happen 3 months ago!)

Alhamdulillah in the end, i managed to squeeze milk out from the blocked duct!! However, she still prescribed to me

1. longgg warmmm showers and
2. Lanolin afterwards as well as
3. Breast Compression when pumping to aid the Medela Mini Electric. (Really when she did it, a lot of milk came out fast and furious when previously, i had been complaining of little and slow flow)

With regards to Tufeil's latch, she actually didn't comment/teach much. Problem being T kept getting distracting by the LC's voice when trying to guide me. He wriggled so much!!!! But a few pointers i picked up:

1. prop a pillow under my thigh/knee when sitting cross legged to support the elevation
2. keep pushing it inwards so baby can get the whole areola
3. keep baby's head close to you.

I also found that Hairiah's style for side lying position suits better for me and baby. That is elbow on the bed, but hands supporting your head. ie more upright. After latch is on, i will slowly lower myself into a more comfortable position.

Thank you to ALL my friends for your concern and support. I believe things will get better from here on out. Ameen.

When Tufeil was 3 months old i suffered from a Plugged Duct on my left side.

How i knew it was a plugged duct? Only the bottom part was engorged and not the rest. and a yellowish dot sprouted. Called a friend and she said to just continue nursing the babe on that side and it will go away... The engorgement was gone in slightly more than 24hours. but the DOT did not.

For the next month i suffered from searing pain during and AFTER feeding. I read up more on the internet and realised its prolly due to poor position/latching. So i started sitting up when giving on my injured side to properly align his tummy to my tummy and such. The pain was gone during the 2nd month but the dot was still as prominent as ever.

On top of that, my supply was also affected. Very little and the flow was VERY SLOWWW!!! 30min pump to get 80ml at the most if i was lucky.

Then come the 3rd month, the pain was back again. So I called KKH's lactation nurse. She told me to just keep rolling it and to use warm packs to dislodge the plug but to call her if it doesnt work. Well.. i can't really tell her if it works or not cos i had NO CLUE HOW TO DO IT! I mean what does "rolling" entail? and i have a hot/cold pack but im not sure how to heat it? and how to hold it if its HOT, damn it!

So i just bore the pain... Until...

The thursday before the Hari Raya weekend, i woke up with extreme pain. I called in sick. (Or is it the other way around? *Wink*) Went to the GP and she poked me w a sterile needle. She said it worked on the last and only patient she had for this condition. But milk still didnt come out. She thought it might be cause the milk just below the plug has hardened and told me to continue with warm pack. When i exasperatedly told her i dont know how she told me to use WARM towel.

Er..... I didn't get the 2 days MC as intended. You see.. one of the CAUSES of plugged duct is fatigue and i sure am fatigued! and needed ample of rest and relaxed nursing sessions to cure it.. and right ambience to "Air it" (like you could air it at work, huh!) but still didnt get... Aiyah!


As it prolonged... my supply has decreased even more! Average i can only get 40ml over a 30min period of expressing. Its sooo tiring lor! But i know this is because im afraid to give baby my injured side. My mind was practically flinching at the thought of the incoming pain. But i still manage to pump between 350 - 400ml a day for baby. How? My right side compensated for it. Alhamdulillah.


Second Hari Raya weekend was a nightmare! Left side got engorged. this time it is milk blister. The difference? Its clear and look like a blister on your foot lor! Mum helped me a lot applying the HOT towel and massaging me. Thank god for that cos im sooo scared of hot water i can't think of squeezing the towel! no way! Again, in about 30hours, the engorgement was gone, but not the blister.

This time around i was wiser. I used a moist cloth to rub the blister away! But it wasn't that easy. At first, i managed to deflate it.. i think there was a hole somewhere... but in a second it would be filled with milk again. It took prolly a week. I got fed up and literally PICKED at it and tore the skin away. i dont want another duct to be clogged ok! The supply is already dismal enough!

THEN! at work when i pumped, BLOOD oozed out instead of milk. there were like 5 GIANT DROPS. I paused and expressed the other side first and returned to it and it was ok. The next time it happened a few days later, it persisted even after leaving it to air dry for a bit. It came out to 30ml of 80% blood!

I was scared shitless, i tell you! How how how?! i screamed in my head. If i dont pump, i wont have enough for baby. If i continue to pump blood, i will prolly faint from its loss! Oh God oh god!
I called a few friends who told me to put ice on it to heal as you would to a nosebleed or something. and hold off the pumping for a few hours.

But im still worried, it was 4pm and the last pumping session was 8:30am! If i dont pump soon, the body would prolly think baby is not drinking and produce even less milk. not to mention it was starting to engorge. but supply was my ultimate worry.

I got in touch with a private lactation consultant. She could see me the very next day! Which was a friday. I was sooo happy! "Finally, i can fight this supply issue with proper positioning!" i thought. When i asked what do i do now? she told me to pump on the LOWEST pressure.

When i got home i did just that and then nursed Tufeil on that same side too and it was all ok.

Then i started to reconsider my appointment w the consultant. Do i really need it? For one, i dont have $100 to spare. For another, i have a busy day of PLAY @ Work with the mid-autumn celebration PLUS i also have a much awaited lunch appointment. So i decided to cancel it. I promised to myself to read more on positioning the baby and correct it myself.

BMSG - Breastfeeding Mother Support Group (Singapore) FINALLY returned my call. Their consultant can pay me a visit at $65. OK i think i will consider that at the next pay day.

Ya Allah, please help me enjoy breastfeeding.

A few nights ago, I tipped over a bottle of expressed milk after pouring some of 130ml bottle to 70ml one to even it up!!! Hey that's 15min of my time gone to the drain!

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Today i was on half day morning for mummy's check up. It's also my first time taking care of Syifaa' and Tufeil "alone".

Thank God Syifaa' didn't cry! Ok she almost did when she cldnt get a cold drink bcos of her cough. But i suggested hot milo instead and the situation was resolved.

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Also, today my postnatal masseuse dropped by out of the blue! She came to collect her stuffs: the Ganggang suit, bengkung and mini batu lesung.

She asked how old's the baby now. I replied almost 5months. And that is just how long her things have been at my house unreturned!

Sorry, Cik! *embarassed*

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Have u ever felt your heart "lurched" or "dropped" with fear out of the blue?

I dont know why mine did just now on the way to work and its agonising me... What have i forgotten to do? I hate it when this happens.