Tears

It was the first time in my motherhood career that I actually cried.

I was nearly midnight when I finally crashed on a Saturday night. Tufeil slept at 9.30pm. The whole night he has been thrashing around the bed, restless. So I had to pacify him every hour or so. I was prolly in deep sleep at 12.30am or so when he woke up again and i roughly rebuffed him but my handphone had to beep at that time and i checked the sms. Tufeil saw the light and started asking for it. At this point, I was SO FREAKING FED UP I just threw my phone on my table.

It made Tufeil VERY UPSET and he started WAILING and SCREAMING for that miserable handphone! I decided to be firm. I mean what the hell! Want to watch a video in the middle of sleep??? Tried to nurse him but HE cried "TAK NAK Daaaaaa" many2 times.

And then he let himself down from the bed and went to the door screaming, "NAK KUAR NAK KUAR NAK KUARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" I totally had to shut myself off. Pretend I couldn't hear anything. He was really crying very very hard like I'm torturing him or something.

A thought occurred that maybe he's not comfortable in our room, so i read the proper doa's but we was still screaming. Then I had an inkling, "What if he has an infant instinct that something is wrong outside and I should go and look? Or he's asking for us to get out to save us?"

Nahhh. I brushed those thoughts away and insisted that I shouldn't give in! I read somewhere that spoiling your child is about giving in to ridiculous demands at the COST of others and this is surely ridiculous and at the cost of losing precious sleep time!

I tried to reason with him that nobody's outside and that everybody's gone to bed. He didnt take in any of it.

He was still pleading to me at the side of the bed while i lied down when he started hiccuping (?) / tersedu2. I couldn't stop my own tears from coming down. I'm soooo sorry my darling that I made you cry so hard. But I'm sooo knackered - although i know its my own fault for turning in so late - and I'm only trying to instill some kind of values in this incident?

So i tried to hold him. But he refused me! He was sitting on my tummy (me lying down) when he really hit me in the face hard. I was stunned and it seemed it stunned him to silence too. We were both quiet for a minute before I started nursing him and he was more than happy to.

I didn't cry about the sting of the slap. He's known to do that. But i started crying harder when i reflected on how selfish I was that I could lose my patience like that and made him cry like that. He's just a baby. He was probably uncomfortable coming down from a slight fever the day before and still having runny nose. I cried for the lack of parenting knowledge I have to make him a good person. I cried for the family situation we are in.

Mostly, I cried because I think it's due.